The Reluctant Runner

by Beth Anne on April 1, 2014

running The Reluctant Runner

I love the sound of running shoes, the muffled hit of rubber when my stride is just right & I often run without headphones just to hear it & my sweat seems to drop with my breath. I love aching legs & burning lungs & the mental focus to stay steady. I adore running.

It’s just a shame that I’m so terrible at something I love.

Over the years I’ve attempted to create a habit of running, dreaming of half marathons but there’s always a voice that tells me I’ll never be able to do it & then I fail. I hang up my sneakers & fold my running tights & sit back down on the couch. I’m just not good at running.

In the fall I promised my little family that this winter would be different than the past few, that I wouldn’t retreat into myself with the waning daylight. I sat under my sunlamp throughout the work day, 6-8 hours per day. I took Vitamin D supplements. I picked my running shoes, logging miles on the treadmill several times per week. Running became medicinal for me & that kept me going for months.

PicMonkey Collage The Reluctant Runner

Running Epiphany #1

As 2013 turned to 2014, I became incredibly frustrated with my runs. I capped out at .75 mile of continuous every single time – run .75 mile, walk .25 mile, run .5 mile, etc despite the treadmill reading a 12 minute pace. I asked my friend Rici for advice & she kept encouraging me to go just a little farther each day. The first few .80′s were victories but they waned until I had a new “stuck.” Then on a rare beautiful day in February, I opened Nike+ & went running through our neighborhood trails at my usual stride. At .75 with aching legs, I looked down & saw I was running a 9:35 mile.

A quick Google search confirmed that most treadmill readings are wrong & I’d been running a sub-10 minute mile for months. Problem was that my body wasn’t ready to handle that speed (fat & bad asthma lungs) & I needed to learn how to slow myself. (You should have seen the actual hand-to-forehead smack I gave myself for being so dense.) So I headed back to the treadmill, letting the ability to set my speed re-train me, a running sensor in hand. The first day of keeping myself at an 11 minute mile, I ran 1.25 miles non-stop easily. The second run was sub-11 minutes at 1.5 miles non-stop. Slowly over the past few weeks, I’ve been ignoring the treadmill & listening to my own stride & pace.

I’ve made more progress in 2 weeks than I made in 4 months.

Running Epiphany #2

Last week the sun shone & temperatures soared into the 70s, a welcome change from the long & cold winter. I took my shoes to the pavement, determined to soak up the last rays of the day & run 2 miles non-stop, using the change in scenery & beautiful day as motivation. Half a mile in, my shins started to throb. At a mile, they hurt so badly that I stopped to stretch. I walked them out, shook them, & the moment I picked up my pace, they exploded in pain.

Shin splints are a bitch.

& I find nature more distracting than inspiring while I run. Probably because I’m trying not to trip.

The truth is, I’m a treadmill runner & it feels like a shameful secret to tell. Real runners don’t run solely on treadmills, do they? Runners love trails & outdoor races & those little water bottle fanny packs. But I don’t love any of those things. I love the steady treadmill, the ease on my joints, not worrying about the weather. Being surrounded by others at the gym inspires me & yet I’m still alone, headphones blasting. Also this:

abae1a4507cc4fa1fee17456a73096ff The Reluctant Runner

So I might be running my 5K on a treadmill, but I’m still running it. I think that’s worthy of running shoes.

I’m so eager to hear your own running stories. Are there any other treadmill runners out there? Or maybe you have something that you love to do that you’re just inherently bad at?

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

Meghan April 1, 2014 at 3:07 pm

I’ve never been a runner… I failed the mile in high school because I was too slow. Turns out I probably had my heart condition and asthma all along, but it was always dismissed as me being out of shape. Despite being in colorguard and jazz running around the football field every week. :-P I want to be a runner though. I’m on my way to get new shoes, probably tomorrow, because I’ve about killed myself with shin splints while trying some Jillian Michaels workouts. Bah. I’m gonna get my butt out there and start walking… hoping to work up to running a 5k this year!

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:43 pm

I hear you completely. Asthma + PSVT keep me in check & the reality is that I will probably never run a half-marathon.

I hope you find your stride & that you love it :)

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Rachael K April 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm

I love this. I am NOT an outdoor running gal. I can’t take my dog for a run because inevitably she has to poop and so help me, I am not running with a full poop bag clutched in one hand. Fresh air is for long walks with the pup and the toddler and strollers with cup holders and going slow enough that when I trip (again), it’s just a little stumble and not a full on face plant.
Treadmills are safety, consistency, quiet, soothing monotony. I love it there.

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:44 pm

THE DOG POOP BAG. I am so glad you brought this up.

I had to stop running Tuck because of her joint issues & I’m so glad I don’t have to mess with poop bags.

& yes to the soothing monotony. My gym has a “getaway room” with 3 treadmills where it’s quiet & dark & glorious. After crazy days, it’s the only place I want to be.

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Katie-LovesofLife April 1, 2014 at 3:17 pm

I am the same way in the sense that–I am so not a runner, but I like it. I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT, I think? I’m not sure. I feel sick on a treadmill, though. If I run, it must be outdoors. I found that the only way I can keep going is to run slower….tricky little treadmill, giving you bad information. Glad you found your groove, girl ;)

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:45 pm

I can’t lie, I often asked myself if I liked it or if I just liked the idea of it because it seemed everyone else did it. But that runner’s high, man. Nothing like it.

I am having to force myself to Body Pump these days, reminding myself that cross-training will only make me better.

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Laura Case April 1, 2014 at 3:28 pm

If you love to run and you run, you’re a runner. This took me a very long time to accept in my heart, that I am a runner (even though I am slow) (even though I will never win a race) (even though I hate the first mile of every run).

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:46 pm

You shut your mouth. You are so impressive to me & YOU are a runner.

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Ashley April 1, 2014 at 3:37 pm

I’m SUCH a treadmill runner … I’m a little embarrassed to say that I would MUCH rather run on a treadmill while watching TV than run outside. Regardless of how nice it is outside. I’m so happy to hear someone else say this!

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:46 pm

TREADMILL RUNNERS UNITE.

I need to figure out a way to read on a treadmill without killing myself.

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Tess April 2, 2014 at 9:53 pm

Kindle! I read on the treadmill with my Kindle and turn the font size up. I love it. It’s a great excuse for me to have the time to read for pleasure and I can run so much further when I’m distracted by a book. Put Gone Girl on your Kindle and get going :)

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Cris April 1, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Good for you!!! I wish my gym had one of those quiet zones. What I like about running outside on a path or track is the monotony and the comparative silence(and lack of screens).. Every treadmill at my gym has its own tv and there are 4 others on the wall flashing away plus the sound of other peoples feet and beeping controls… If it wasn’t for that I might enjoy treadmill running a LOT more.

Also- wind? Sucks. Treadmill inside, no wind taking my breath away with bursts in odd directions or blowing in my face and ears!

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Beth Anne April 1, 2014 at 3:59 pm

I hate running in the wind. Really hate it. & then my allergies come out & I start wheezing & oh, it is not for me.

I never use the televisions – thankfully, we can turn them off!

I love how everyone is so different in what they prefer for a run & motivation :)

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Jessica @ RunYourMuttOff April 1, 2014 at 3:59 pm

As hard as it is, I work to ignore the “number” on the treadmill. I know I run a faster pace out on the road and as long as I’m comfortable on the ‘mill, that’s all that matters! I also stopped running at an incline when I read that doing so to compensate for being on the ‘mill is just a myth.
And there is nothing wrong with enjoying the treadmill. Whatever works and gets you moving. However, have you been fitted for shoes? or re-fitting recently? Perhaps your shin splints are an indication of running in the wrong shoes.
Keep it up, you’re doing great! Just remember, the good mantras – the only person you’re competing against is you; and treadmill or outside, you’re lapping everyone on the couch :)

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Jessica @ RunYourMuttOff April 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm

PS. you can totally do a half marathon if you set your mind to it! I swear, it’s 50% mental and 50% physical. Many people finish a race of that distance using a run/walk interval plan (I’ve completed four half marathons and have yet to run one without walking). Following a smart training plan and increasing mileage slowly is the key to avoiding injury.

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angela April 1, 2014 at 4:04 pm

I love running, but it’s a good thing I’m stubborn because I have ZERO natural running ability :)

I like the treadmill, particularly in the winter, but I am learning to like outdoor running again. In small doses.

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Andrea April 1, 2014 at 4:07 pm

Girl, I’m a treadmill runner too! The majority of my running takes place on a treadmill even though I’ve done two half marathons. I just do my long runs outside. However you choose to run, you’re getting in some exercise and being healthy, that’s what matters!

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Rachel April 1, 2014 at 4:45 pm

Ok first off, you run. There’s no good or bad at running. You run and that’s the end of the statement. It doesn’t matter if it’s on a treadmill or on a mountain. Running is running, so you go girl!

I started running 4 years ago. A little girl asked me to be her run-buddy for a Girls on the Run 5k, and for some crazy reason, I agreed.

After I ran that 5k, I was soaked in sweat, sore, and SO proud of myself. I eeked out 45 minutes of impossible! I didn’t know I had it in me! I loved the fact that my body proved my negative mind WRONG. So, I signed up for a 1/2 marathon, not just any 1/2, but the Disney Princess 1/2! Yea, it’s Disney and it’s awesome, but it’s wicked expensive. It was my mind’s punishment. ha. If I was going to pay THIS MUCH to do a race, I was going to DO IT RIGHT!

So, I started training. I bought lots of frozen peas and compression sleeves for my shin splints and kept going because I was worth it and my mind needed to cool its jets. Since then, I’ve completed 3 half marathons, countless 5ks and even a full marathon with my husband. Our bodies are AMAZINGLY capable at proving us wrong and I love that!

Your body can obviously do this. It’s your mind ya gotta get out of the game!

PS: No shame at all in the run/walk combo. It’s a great technique. SO many people complete distances of all lengths using that method. Whatever works for you obviously works!

Best of luck to you in your running journey.

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molly April 1, 2014 at 4:45 pm

I am ashamed to admit that the reason I am scared to run outside at morning or dusk is because I am afraid a mountain lion will attack me. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Molly, you live in Missouri and there have been a total of eight mountain lion attacks since 2001 in this state (yes, I googled that shit).

Still, I can’t do it. Issues – I haz them.

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The Many Thoughts of a Reader April 6, 2014 at 10:56 pm

for me, it’s the wild boars.

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Julia April 1, 2014 at 5:16 pm

I’m kind of like you in the way that I enjoy trying to run and am probably total crap at it. I just started on the treadmill yesterday (first time on a treadmill since I was 10) after stopping and starting running outside too many times this winter. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one!

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Camille @ Meet the M's April 1, 2014 at 7:19 pm

I just discovered that I can run even a little bit! I have always complained about not being able to run for more than 5 minutes without wanting to puke and die. I always played soccer but played defense where short spurts of really fast running was all that was really necessary. My husband recently told me that I needed to start running on the treadmill if I wanted my work outs to really count. A month later and I have been running almost 2 miles every single day and I feel awesome. Not so much if I run outside though. Hmm.

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Debbie April 1, 2014 at 10:12 pm

I love running too! But I have no idea if I’m good at it or not since I don’t log speed or distance. I always run for time – when I started running, I told myself I would run/walk for 15 minutes before stopping. Because who doesn’t have 15 minutes somewhere in their day? That was less time than I took plopping down on my couch after a long day and “unwinding” in front of the TV. I eventually worked my way to longer times and even started ball-parking the distance, but often it was on a treadmill. I love the gym with the camaraderie of other gym-goers working on their own goals, although I love a good outdoor run sometimes in good weather. Gym and treadmills are confidence-boosters. And maybe it’s weird not to have more concrete “real runner” goals of 5ks or marathons, but I just don’t run for those things. I run for myself, to clear my head and for some “me” time, not to reach some PR or finish X number of races. Maybe that’s why I love running – my goals, my terms, my run.

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Christy April 1, 2014 at 10:46 pm

You ran. Therefore you’re a runner. Period end of sentence.

You done good.

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Kimberly April 2, 2014 at 6:54 am

Well I ran down the stairs when I heard my kid yelling that his nose was bleeding. He’s a nose picker. I don’t know what he’s looking for but he started mining in the walls of his nasal passage.
In all seriousness, I can’t run because of “my back is whack” problems but I do walk. Which is not the same thing but for me, that is running. I love it. And like you, I don’t wear headphones. Never know when some girl guide will attack me from behind and kick my ass if I don’t buy cookies.
I think that you running, a little, a lot, slow, fast, treadmill or not is a fantastic thing. :)

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Samantha April 2, 2014 at 10:11 am

Shin splints are b*%ch! I have suffered through them since jr. high school. BUT i got a new pair running shoes last spring. Ones designed for the way i run, made to correct my stride a little, and with the advise of my marathon running sister a really really good pair of insoles. guess what? my shin splints still hurt a little but mostly the pain was gone that first week, by one month into them i hardly noticed them. In one word what made my world a little more comfy: SHOES. That being said the relentless frigged snowy winter has seen me gain 10 lbs and my lovely neon yellow shoes havent seen the pavement under running feet since october. IT JUST WONT END! I need summer. I need the snow to stop, like yesterday!

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Megan April 2, 2014 at 10:17 am

I am right there with you on the loving to run but being terrible at it. I have to work sooooo hard to run long distances and then my miles are so slow that speed walkers can pass me. BUT I love it. I love pushing my (now double) stroller through our neighborhood while listening to my toddler belt out disney tunes. I tried to speed up my mile many times but have come to terms with the fact that I am a slow runner, its the only thing my body can handle without my chest bursting into flames and thats ok. Run however and wherever you like, and still call yourself a runner because you are! Congrats on staying with it and doing what works for you!

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Erin April 2, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Treadmill runner here! I wound up just buying one after I had my daughter because my husband works long hours and about the only time I could get away while someone watched her to a gym was around 4am & Lord knows that wasn’t happening! I really love my treadmill time though especially now since she’s older & knows where to find me if she needs anything because I can put those earbuds in & just go into my own little world where kids, work, dirty dishes don’t exist! I also wound up buying an app for my phone that is basically a couch to 5k (to help teach me how to run) but instead you’re chased by zombies and yes, you do run faster when zombies are chasing you!
Also I read on the treadmill! I have to crank my font on my Kindle up & it basically looks like a toddler reading book it’s so large but I do it! It’s much easier if I’m just running a steady-slower pace however; if I’m doing any kind of sprints I can’t read as I’m trying to focus on staying on the treadmill & not falling off the end :).

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Rebecca April 2, 2014 at 1:40 pm

I’ve always wanted to be a runner. Something about it is just so…sexy. Feet pounding the pavement, sweat glistening on the brow, runners body.

Mostly runners body :)

But alas, the exercise induced asthma is INTENSE with running…more than any other workout. So, I forego running in favor of biking, aerobic DVDs, etc.

And I just keep wishing I was a runner.

I lived in Kenya in 2000 and was surprisingly able to run distances in the 6000+ foot altitude, but I suck at running in Michigan.

Part of me really wants to try it again, but I’m scurrrred.

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Kimberly C. April 2, 2014 at 3:08 pm

I think running is an extremely personal & ever changing thing. I just started in October of 2012 and I was horrible! I was always cramping before I got to 1 mile, then I faded quickly into the run, but I never stopped, and now all of cramping is gone and my endurance is crazy high. Moral of the story: DON’T QUIT! You will get better!!
Sometimes, I find if I just cover all the numbers on the treadmill or leave my watch at home, I do WAY better because like you said, I listen to my body.
Good luck to you, I really, really, really hope you don’t give up on your dream of a half-marathon. YOU CAN DO IT!! What helped me was printing a chart of my training plan and sticking it on my refrigerator. It kept me accountable & focused and even though I didn’t “run” the whole thing, I was able to finish and in my book that is all that matters to me!

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Carolyn April 2, 2014 at 4:23 pm

Oh man, this really resonated with me! I grew up the lone girly-girl in a house full of athletes, and while I took dance classes for many years, running the mile in school was the bane of my existence-no matter how hard I tried, I was always the last one huffing and puffing across the finish line (the kids who walked part of the way always ended up beating me!) I just figure it was something I wasn’t good at. 14 years after graduating high school (oh man that makes me feel old!) I suddenly decided that I just WANTED to be a runner. Maybe not a good one, but I wanted to be capable of doing it. I found a good phone app for the Couch to 5K program, set up a good Pandora playlist, and joined a gym so that I could go workout when the kids were asleep and it was late in the evening. It was SO rewarding to see my own progress (from beginning the program and struggling through the 60 and 90 second running intervals, to working up to 8 minute intervals, and finally being able to run for 30 straight minutes for the first time in my entire life). It turns out that I really LIKE running! You don’t have to be great at it to feel the mental benefits, either (I thought you could only get that “runner’s high” if you ran really far or really fast, but even my super slow pace helps me destress and tackle the rest of my life so much better!) Anyhow, I still have a lot of room for improvement (hahahaha, my FAST pace is around 13:30 per mile!) but now that I know I CAN be a runner (albeit a slow one!) I’m confident that I can continue to try and be a BETTER runner :) I don’t think I’ll ever be a marathoner, but after spending my whole life assuming that I couldn’t do something, it’s been life-changing to change that :)

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Tena April 2, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Shin splints are a bitch!! I think I have nipped them, finally, but still. I’ve never run on a treadmill, but I love to run outside. I generally run pretty slow, a great run would be a 12 minute mile. I have found that the Zombies, Run! app is great for motivating me when I’m getting in a slump, but even shin splints can destroy that motivation. I really need to add music to my new phone so I can start doing that again. My goal for this year (2014) is to run/walk 300 miles. I had the same goal last year and only made it 45… but so far this year I’ve already got 62 miles down, so I’m pretty proud of myself.

I used to be so good at running. Before I got married, I ran about 3 miles every day. It was easier then, before family, in college… I would love to get back to that level of fitness, though. :-)

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Elizabeth April 2, 2014 at 8:14 pm

I am a total treadmill runner. I don’t like having to stop at red lights or worry about the weather when I’m running.
I put my kids to bed and go to my treadmill in my basement where I can catch up on my shows on the dvr. Even when I’m working out I can’t stop multi-tasking!
I had to slow my pace to increase my distance too.
Hang in there! You rock!

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Jocelyn April 3, 2014 at 9:21 am

Now that Baby #2 is here and grad school is almost done, I really NEED to get back into some kind of fitness routine. I told my sister I’d run a 5K with her sometime this year, but I haven’t ran outside in more than a year. Also, we have a Precor elliptical that my husband is addicted to, so I need to find time to hop back on it after a long break.

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Hillary April 3, 2014 at 1:54 pm

I’m of similar build and have always wanted to be a runner as well. Ok thats not true, when I was in high school and on the field hockey and lacrosse teams I hated running and never did any more than Coach made me.
But then like 5 years ago (I’m 29 now) the running bug bit me because I thought races were so cool. Every year I ran a few 5Ks and one half marathon in October, I would train a little bit before the half but other than that-running on my own still bothered me.
This year I have been able to pull it together though just like you. I’ve been running on the treadmill since my office opened a new gym. I tend to run at 6.0-6.4 for .2 miles, then walk at 4.2 for .1 mile and rotate like that.

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Steph April 4, 2014 at 12:34 am

I was a runner for over 12 years until miscarriage #3, well, until the pregnancy after that miscarriage, I should say(my brain knew running wasn’t making me lose babies–I lost one and wasn’t running anymore–but my heart paralyzed me). I miss it so much, and hope that next spring, when I’ve completed my postpartum physical therapy, that I’ll finally get back into it. But first I’ll let my physical therapist guide me to get my pelvis back together! Running isn’t about being good or bad, it’s about pushing yourself further than you think you can go and the amazing feeling you get from it!

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theurbanjunglegym April 4, 2014 at 11:22 am

Oh how I love to run. Outside, under the trees, with great music or some friends for company, feeling my body work and myself fly through space. I love hills because of the feeling of utter freedom after you crest them. I hit my own distance limitations, too– I wanted desperately to do a half-marathon, but my knees started shorting out after 10 miles. I’m now easing back in after having another baby and hoping that by taking things slower at the beginning, I’ll be able to meet that goal without injury this time. I hope we both meet our goals!

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Jessica April 4, 2014 at 1:49 pm

I’m bad at running, too! I started running a year ago and signed up for my first marathon in October. I try to run 3-4 times a week (even if my training plan says I should be doing more – life and kiddos dictate the frequency). Despite all of this, I still feel like a fake runner!

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Kami April 4, 2014 at 4:55 pm

I think I remember you doing a post about your sun lamp previously? Or maybe I’m just imagining things? Either way, do you find it helps you?

I’ve had anxiety/panic disorder since I was 19 years old. I’m :::cough::: 32 :::cough::: now. I’ve noticed it certainly seems to heighten during the brutal cold winter months.

It sucks. But. You know that.

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Sarah April 6, 2014 at 4:57 pm

Never say “never” to that half-marathon! Last year I signed up for the Tar Heel Ten Miler after finishing the Couch to 5K program. At the time I decided to start training for the ten miler, I had never run more than about four (very, very slow) miles. The training was tough (I followed a Hal Higdon program); the longest training run was eight miles, which was very hard, and I wondered how I’d ever be able to run ten miles when I could barely do eight. On the day of the race, I found an 11:00-min/mile pace group. The adrenaline of running with thousands of other people and the camaraderie I formed with the pace group was very motivating and I found that the ten mile run was easier than my long training runs that had seemed so hard! It was an awesome feeling. I prefer running outside and without a watch so I can just focus on the distance and not worry about speed, but to each her own :) Keep it up!

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The Many Thoughts of a Reader April 6, 2014 at 10:56 pm

I am a treadmill runner too.

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Liz April 8, 2014 at 9:06 pm

Have you read the book “Run Like a Mother”?! If not, buy it, immediately. It will motivate you, make you feel like you are part of a tribe, and make you feel totally badass.

And never say never on the half marathon. I always had it on my goals list….before I could even run 2 miles. And I eventually just went for it. Followed a training plan and just made it happen. I’m a slow runner, but so what? It’s an awesome accomplishment and you could definitely do it if you want to!

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Beth Anne April 11, 2014 at 10:34 am

I haven’t but THANK YOU for the recommendation! I love the running tribe already :)

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Rebecca April 9, 2014 at 8:09 pm

Well, if it helps at all, I’ve been a runner for 24 years and am reasonably fast and always have been, but…. I love the treadmill. I have horrible allergies and now that I live in Texas it is either too hot outside to run or I can’t breathe for all the pollen. Plus on my treadmill nobody is watching me, haha!

I think it is important to remember that the only thing that makes you a runner is running. Not running outside, or running faster than an n-minute mile, or racing, or running a certain distance or a certain number of miles per week. It is so easy to play the comparison game, but you will enjoy running and keep doing it if you do what YOU want under the circumstances you choose. I always wanted to be a marathoner, ran one in 1997 and injured myself. Kept trying to get back to that because I have a friend who runs like 4 marathons per year and I wanted to keep up (for no good reason other than plain old competitiveness – everything you do I want to do better) But every time I went above a certain mileage, I hurt my feet. It took years for me to realise that I don’t have to run marathons, or even halfs. And you know, if I COULD run that much without hurting myself, I would, and it would become an obsession. And obsessions stop being fun really quickly.

(And you don’t have to worry about being attacked or hit by a car on a treadmill, right?)

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Beth Anne April 11, 2014 at 10:34 am

Amen on not getting hit by a car!

I’ve hit a setback with my shins this week – resting them for a few days, ordered some compression socks, got fitted (finally!) so I’m hoping to be back on the treadmill this weekend for a slow 2 miles.

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Rici April 9, 2014 at 9:53 pm

Proud of you BA! :-) Gotta get out your way so we can go for a run together!!

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Beth Anne April 11, 2014 at 10:33 am

YES!

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The Mommy April 16, 2014 at 7:41 pm

I AM a runner. Slow – check. Mostly treadmill – check. But I do it almost every darn day. And I have had some milestones (5Ks, one half marathon) but mostly I just like being part of the mother runner club. There’s an awesome band of women (anothermotherrunner.com)(Used to be run like a mother, which I also like) – they will tell it like it is. Check them out! (Aside from reading there, I am in no way affiliated…although I did win a t-shirt once!).

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Brooke Evans April 24, 2014 at 8:29 am

Used to run regularly (although I can’t say I liked it that much). I had to really push myself to do it. I enjoy running when there is some sort of ball involved like with netball (a game popular here in NewZealand for women) which is a close cousin to basketball.
And now I have discovered Brazilian Jui Jitsu (no its not a hairstyle) and that gets all my energy these days cos I love it.

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