Back in early 2012, I wrote a post about Why You Should Know Who Christian Grey Is & I don’t know whether it’s my wicked SEO skills or people just wanting to Google kinky sex men, but it was one of my more popular posts. Since that post, I’ve discovered much better smut reading & spent an entire Girls Night Out discussing why women find such an abusive sack of literary vomit so appealing.
I was shocked when Hollywood said they’d turn it into a non-straight-to-video movie & that women were actually fanning themselves over who would play the lead roles. Just…no.
First of all, it’s a fictional character. Calm your vag. Secondly, while I am glad you picked up a book, I encourage you to keep doing it & preferably one with actual character development. Give The Book Thief a go & if you’re not into deep thinking, the Mortal Instruments is a solid IQ-dropper.
So ladies (& gentlemen) of the world, I humbly submit to you a list of 50 things I care about more than the 50 Shades of Grey movie:
1. Cat hair crafts. Seriously, WTF is this.
2. Being able to recite Hocus Pocus from memory by the end of the month.
3. What Suzanne Somers is up to these days.
4. What color to paint my dining room. Deep aqua? Green? White? I’ve been torn on this for months now. Whenever I bring it up, Doug is all:
5. Beanie Babies.
6. What rhymes with “hug me.”
7. Coffee table decorating. Just kidding. I don’t give a shit about that.
8. Michelle Duggar’s uterus.
9. Whether that sweet potato I just ate was organic.
10. Your 10 year anniversary vow renewal.
11. Spending hours wondering why bloggers are creating tutorials on how to paint pumpkins. Step one, paint pumpkin. Step two, photograph pumpkin. Step three, cry about how life is unfair when asshole teens smash said pumpkin.
12. Mariska Hargitay doing this:
13. Schmidt’s New Girl love triangle.
14. Heirloom pumpkins.
15. The difference between purple & aubergine.
16. How you think Ben Affleck will fail whale all over Batman.
17. Lily Collins’ eyebrows.
18. Rainbow Chip icing.
19. Chipotle changing their pinto bean recipe.
20. Earning enough gems on the My Little Pony game to buy Rainbow Dash. I’ve been working on this shit for seven months.
21. John Mayer.
22. People who name their babies after the place where said kid was conceived.
23. Spreading the good word that leggings are not pants.
24. YouTube videos of sleeping cats.
25. Why Facebook keeps changing their NewsFeed algorithm. We get it, Zuckerberg. You have massive balls & control the Internet. Now please stop.
26. How much you love Pumpkin Spice lattes. No, really. Tell me again. Hashtag it.
27. Any book written by Gwyneth.
28. Ombre hair.
29. Your laser hair removal experience.
30. The frosting to cake ratio in a Gigi’s cupcake.
31. Ivanka Trump’s new baby.
32. Chevron flooring.
33. The new iPhone. Whatever.
34. Whole 30 diets.
35. Taylor Swift’s reform on her love life.
36. Oversized hipster glasses.
37. If Tris & Four will ever get it on.
38. If Jace & Clary will ever get it on.
39. Matt Walsh’s blog. Somebody take away his Internet.
41. How fast Kim Kardashian/Jessica Simpson/Kate Middleton loses the baby weight.
42. Blog conferences. Over it.
43. Whether my food pipe is on the right or left.
44. Paint chip crafts. They’re going to start charging for those if you crazies don’t stop.
45. School picture day.
46. What body part I can sell to afford one of these:
47. Project Runway. Just kidding. That’s another thing I don’t give a shit about.
48. The crushing sense of betrayal when we discovered that the Crossfire series is now a quintet rather than a trilogy.
49. What does the fox say?
50. Paris Hilton’s singing career.
Want 50 more reasons to not give a shit about Christian Grey? My friend Thea has them & she’s funnier than me.