We bundle up the Christmas story as something miraculous & beautiful, a gift from a loving God to be carried on a pretty hymn or an advent calendar in candlelight. We tie bows & garland & remind ourselves that Jesus is the Reason for the Season & a fresh baby, the promise of our God. We imagine that bright star & the host of angels & the grown men, falling at a baby’s feet in worship. We love this part of the Christmas story, this part of our faith that is just so darn pretty & miraculous & perfect & so full of eager faith.
Mary, hand-picked by God for a specific purpose, agreeing to her calling.
Joseph, steadfast & strong & loyal.
Shepherds, told first by a heavenly host & there was no doubt in their minds, they had proof & each other.
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But I am the wisemen.
Waiting, always waiting for a sign.
Jealous of those that arrive so quickly.
Almost screwing it all up, so many times.
A long journey that is dirty & grimy.
I feel so alone under that damn star sometimes. I should know the answers. I see the disapproving looks of my mother & the friends that just want to help save me but I have to do this myself. Sometimes, when I allow myself to be honest, it feels like a wild goose chase.
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It’s not a glamorous journey, this faith we feel.
Maybe we’re supposed to be deep in the grime.
We’re supposed to wonder if we’re losing our way.
Maybe God meant for us to search for the signs & doubt ourselves.
We journey over the hills & the valleys & it’s uncomfortable. The light & moments of hope, clouded by doubt & fear.
We’re supposed to feel hungry. Dirty. Frustrated. Hopeful. Starved for truth.
Maybe the journey, not just the destination, is where we should focus.
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I’m reading Angie Smith’s new book “Mended” right now…and just this morning I read about how God doesn’t want us to be Moses (or whoever we put in that position), he just wants us to be us…because we were created just as we are for a PURPOSE.
This is very much me. I’m so jealous of those who are steadfast in their faith. Whose faith gives them enormous comfort at the hardest moments in life. Those hard moments bring doubt and feelings of abandonment for me. I lost my mom 3.5 years ago and I just stepped into a church for the first time since then this past Sunday. I do think we all have our own journey and we all get to where we are suppose to get to in our own time.
Gosh I would have to say this tends to be me. There are days I don’t understand how people can’t just “see” it. And then other days it’s like faith isn’t even in my realm of possibility.
Beautiful! & so honest! I just love you. Remember, in the end we’re all in this journey together and NONE of us have it truly figured out. Have a very merry Christmas!
None of us have this faith thing figured out. If we didn’t it would not be faith, it would be knowledge. God promises to meet us where we are, not where we should be. Check out Hope Community Church in Raleigh. gethope.net It’s local and not your typical Baptist church.
What a beautiful post, BA.
wish we could talk some about this- not because i think i have all the answers but because i care so much. hope you’re well & miss you friend!
Thanks for this sincere post. I see that most readers would agree with me that your doubts resonate with others. Faith can’t be put into words or divided into its constituent parts. But it is always in our hearts.
Merry Christmas to everyone!
I think God intends for us to question. I can’t figure that He gave us reason and the ability to think by accident, and swallowing wholesale what someone else says or believes about Him would fall into that category (for me). My son’s name is Thomas partly for that very reason; I hope he will question (me, God, anyone), and I hope it will help strengthen his faith, but I expect it will lead him down some difficult roads first.
Jesus washed his deciples feet. it’s a long, tired, dirty, dusty road with some grime. Thankfully he cleans us up and gives us rest. beautiful post.
I’m pretty sure we’re knee deep in the grime. Jesus washed his disciples feet. We walk a long, dirty, sometimes grimy and dusty road. I’m thankful He is there to give us rest and heal our feet
beautiful post