My cousin flew in on Tuesday night & our Thanksgiving break officially began with a squeal & a hug at the curb of RDU Airport. Her name is Mariellen & she lives in Philadelphia, but you can call her Muff because that’s what I’ve called her since we were young. We’ve spent a lot of Thanksgivings together but that was with our big brothers in tow & our mommas drinking coffee in the kitchen so it’s pretty cool to think that almost 30 years later, we’re still choosing to spend the holidays together.
I may have cried when we dropped her off at the airport on Sunday afternoon.
We baked this year’s pumpkin pie & it was spectacular. Hibby helped.
The best part about Muff is that she loves me for me, not because of what I can do for her & there are no expectations. We don’t have to make an agenda & if we spend an entire Friday morning in our pajamas with hot tea & coffee, setting up my Christmas garland? Well, that’s good enough for us. It’s also really fun having her here because she’s like SOUTHERN FOOD! EAT ALL THE THINGS! & it’s such a treat to watch her eyes light up at hushpuppies.
I may have asked her to stay forever.
Having Muff here was such a breath of life for my mood & I’m feeling so much better with the Big Ugly these days. I still get that twisted feeling in my belly every time the sun sets, but I’m either a) getting used to it or b) handling it better because I’m using less & less of my anxiety medication. I still struggle heavily with not wanting to lie down at 6pm because it feels like the day is already over – is anyone else struggling with this? It’s like I look at a sinkful of dishes & laundry that has been sitting (clean) in a basket for two weeks, waiting to be put away…& I just can’t. I feel like there’s nothing left in the day to give even though six weeks ago, I was able to keep going.
My friend Morgan said it best:
Some days it’s fulfilling and awesome and some days it’s heavy and sucks. I want to take a romantic vacation with my husband. I want to go direct my movie on a shoestring budget. I want to have another baby. I want to volunteer to chair a committee for the school carnival. I want to scream. But mostly, I just want a nap.
Last night I bundled up Hibby in his stroller & met a friend of mine for a walk even though it was dark & it was a little better. Today I’m starting with a specific to-do list for this evening & refusing to let myself change into pajamas until those things are accomplished. I think a lot of this battle is just going to be me having to be relentless in pushing myself & for something that wants to be lazy 90% of the time, that shit’s tough.
Dear winter, please stop kicking my tail this year.
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Internet friends. & I miss Muff.