My cousin flew in on Tuesday night & our Thanksgiving break officially began with a squeal & a hug at the curb of RDU Airport. Her name is Mariellen & she lives in Philadelphia, but you can call her Muff because that’s what I’ve called her since we were young. We’ve spent a lot of Thanksgivings together but that was with our big brothers in tow & our mommas drinking coffee in the kitchen so it’s pretty cool to think that almost 30 years later, we’re still choosing to spend the holidays together.
I may have cried when we dropped her off at the airport on Sunday afternoon.
We baked this year’s pumpkin pie & it was spectacular. Hibby helped.
The best part about Muff is that she loves me for me, not because of what I can do for her & there are no expectations. We don’t have to make an agenda & if we spend an entire Friday morning in our pajamas with hot tea & coffee, setting up my Christmas garland? Well, that’s good enough for us. It’s also really fun having her here because she’s like SOUTHERN FOOD! EAT ALL THE THINGS! & it’s such a treat to watch her eyes light up at hushpuppies.
I may have asked her to stay forever.
Having Muff here was such a breath of life for my mood & I’m feeling so much better with the Big Ugly these days. I still get that twisted feeling in my belly every time the sun sets, but I’m either a) getting used to it or b) handling it better because I’m using less & less of my anxiety medication. I still struggle heavily with not wanting to lie down at 6pm because it feels like the day is already over – is anyone else struggling with this? It’s like I look at a sinkful of dishes & laundry that has been sitting (clean) in a basket for two weeks, waiting to be put away…& I just can’t. I feel like there’s nothing left in the day to give even though six weeks ago, I was able to keep going.
My friend Morgan said it best:
Some days it’s fulfilling and awesome and some days it’s heavy and sucks. I want to take a romantic vacation with my husband. I want to go direct my movie on a shoestring budget. I want to have another baby. I want to volunteer to chair a committee for the school carnival. I want to scream. But mostly, I just want a nap.
Last night I bundled up Hibby in his stroller & met a friend of mine for a walk even though it was dark & it was a little better. Today I’m starting with a specific to-do list for this evening & refusing to let myself change into pajamas until those things are accomplished. I think a lot of this battle is just going to be me having to be relentless in pushing myself & for something that wants to be lazy 90% of the time, that shit’s tough.
Dear winter, please stop kicking my tail this year.
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Internet friends. & I miss Muff.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I also want to get into my pjs at 6 PM. I like the idea of having specific things you have to do before that. (borrowing) Hang in there.
Let me know how it works for you! I’m hoping it will work for me.
Wow, I loved this cause it’s SO me. I’ve been so exhausted coming home from work and my to-do list at home was huge! I was determined though to push through it for two hours and then it was Jammie/Surivor time. I felt so much better getting those things done when all I want to do is collapse in the recliner, in my jammies with my doggie and a fuzzy blanket. December is a busy month, so I gotta just remember to breathe…nice and slow…breathe…
There are a few things I’m doing differently. I saw my Dr last week and she suggested these because I refuse to take medication ( I know, I know)
First off, I’m making a concerted effort to be out and about and busy from sundown until bedtime. I can’t do this every night for obvious reasons, but I try to do this: pick the boys up before it’s dark out (so like 4:00 pm) which gives us about 45 minutes of remaining daylight. It’s cold up here in NY. Like 20-30 some afternoons at best… But we get outside and let that cold air slap is straight in the face. We have dinner and then run out and do something, anything. Visit a friend, a neighbor, run to the grocery store or the dollar store or drive around looking at Christmas lights… Or I engage in something that requires my presence, like baking cookies or doing something with paint. I find if I let them be free they get restless and I lay on the couch choking on candy cane hershey kisses and they fight straight through bedtime.
My Dr also suggested that I (GASP) go to a tanning bed 3 times a week for 5 minutes per session. She said any risks of skin cancer would be outweighed by the mental benefits of the vitamin d, the warmth on my entire body, and 5 full, decompressed, unadulterated moments to myself. That, or go to Fort Lauderdale ( can you believe insurance won’t pay for plane tickets? LMAO!)
It’s getting better for me. You know why? Because we are 22 days away from the shortest day of the year.. .By December 22nd the sun is setting two minutes later, and then two minutes later and two minutes more.. Before you know it, we’ll be in March and the sun will be setting at like 5:45 and all will start to be right again.
22 more days. And then we’re climbing up again. 22 more days.
Oh my! I thought there was something wrong with me lately but, you spelled it out perfectly! It must be the time change! I work in an office with no windows. When I got out for lunch… it’s bright and shiny! When I leave for home, it’s dark and dreary! I so dread leaving my office at night. This week has been the worst! Though… it could also be that my house is a mess and my father-in-law is visiting this weekend and the 10 month old is going through a clingy stage, the 5 year old keeps bringing things out of the play room, the husband is not help at all and my brother, who drives me crazy, is living with us temporarily! I’m surprised I have any color left in my hair at all. I’m surprised I have any hair at all for that matter! BE STRONG Beth Anne!
Just remember to be gentle to yourself. You are doing the best you can!
i struggle with not wanting to shut down at 5 (thats what time the sun sets here and it starts getting dark) i hate winter for the long periods of darkness. it never bothered me until i had kids, but now it does and i dont like it. the sun is up from about 7 in the morning to 445 in the afternoon and by 515-530 we are surrounded by a blanket of blackness. its like the black hole. it sucks the energy right out of me and its making my kids continuously sick this year- which is sooo not helping me feel good about the dark lol.
That is so fun & awesome that your cousin got to stay with you guys over T’giving! As each year passes, I value my friendships more and more! It is so uplifting to spend time with friends, and something extra special about friends who have known you for years.
I hibernate in the winter. I always have. The thought of putting forth effort to be productive when it’s already dark outside is just too much. And I also have 2 weeks worth of laundry sitting in baskets.
I’m glad you had a good visit. Those are the best. Yes, winter is kicking my tail too. I am in pajamas first thing when I get home. It just feels like bedtime. There is so much to do but I’m soooo tired all the time!
Your writing always, always, always makes me want to head over to my blog and unload all my stuff. I love that. It’s one of the ones where I look around for my (not so) hot cup of coffee and curl up reading.
I did not laugh that your cousin is nicknamed Muff.
Also she is adorable.
Well, hell. I thought I was the only person that felt like that! That seems dumb to type, but husband comes home with all this energy and is just chugging away while I’m dunzo. I used to love working out at night and now I have zero motivation with it dark so early. Extra bad when the cavewoman in me is thinking that I must eat every thing in sight to be warm for the winter. And not shave my legs. I blame her for a lot of things, now that I think of it….
I so feel where you’re coming from. I get to work…it’s dark. I leave work…it’s dark. By the time I get home, all I want to do is crawl into bed and end the day. I thought it was pregnancy hormones, but it has to be the weather. Hang in there momma…spring will be here before we know it!
PS…I’m totally digging that bottle of Bastard beer in the first pic!
I feel the same way when I get home from work. I’ve fallen off the productive wagon but nightly task lists helped me tremendously. And completing them was a boost of energy and feel goods. Good luck!
Aren’t cousins wonderful? By the way, the Bastard beer by Hibby made me LOL for realz. It’s all about the Red Oak in this house.
I am right there with you. I was in such a good place. Cooking healthy. Walking and starting to run. Focusing on getting stuff done. But now I get to work in the dark and I leave work in the dark. I have no more energy in me by the time I am home. I squeeze every last bit of it out to spend with my boys before they go to bed. Then I collapse on the couch, curse myself for not taking out the trash that is starting to smell just a bit funky and dive into a box of peppermint Joe Joes. Winter is hard! So hard.
Love the pre-pajama list!!! I may try that tonight because once the jammies get on, the shit does not get done.
Unless the shit is opening a bottle of wine and pouring it into a cup.
Put something on your list that you actually WANT to do. And force yourself to do it. It helps me and I feel much better after it
Yup, I get home from work, i ONLY do the bath/teeth/books/bedtime routine because someone else is counting on me to do it and sometimes, I don’t get it together and my hubba has to do it. I am very overwhelmed by everything that needs doing, so it honestly helps if I pick 2 things that are manageable and leave the rest to me.
I’m also very much an “energy absorber” and tend to require a LOT of buffers in my days. Having that regularly does help.
This is the first time I’m experiencing the winter blues. It’s so cold and dark and the house becomes way too quiet. I’m normally beside myself excited to decorate for Christmas and this year is just feels so…daunting. I can’t get anything done with the baby up, but after he’s asleep for the night I just can’t. There are so many things different in my life this winter that I can’t pinpoint the cause. New baby, new home, new jobs, new schedules. It’s exhausting. I don’t have any advice, but you’re not alone.
Oh- oh yes. The big ugly. I can feel the big ugly creep in slowly at my feet in October. By November, it has crept it’s way up to my thighs. December it has reached my heart and I am struggling to get out of bed or care about anything. The fight can be so overwhelming some days. Those are the days that I have my team (my mom, my friends, anyone who is ballsy enough to call me out on my mood) that snap me out and force me to make the call to my doctor to up my meds (if the ugly doesn’t sink back down) and my therapist. Every day I wake and literally say to myself “I am choosing to fight you today. I will win.” Most days I do, some I don’t. But i helps that there is a light at the end of the season. Then I rest and prepare for next year’s battle.
Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in fighting the big ugly. Thank you for reminding me that even if I don’t win today, I can still win tomorrow.
I did not realize that i even felt this way until you said it but YES that makes so much sense!!!! I was tackling EVERYTHING and then boom, on my ass at 6:30. Not feeling like cooking anymore. PILES OF LAUNDRY EVERYWHERE EXPLODING ONTO THE FLOOR, THE TABLE, THE FLOOR SOME MORE. and dishes piled up. and i am over here like “mehhh”…
Makes sense now.