Let’s talk poop.

by heirtoblair on November 16, 2012

toilet 224x300 Lets talk poop.So in the Money Pit, we’ve got a toilet problem. They’re original to the house down to nuts & bolts & they’ve got a problem with anything more than water. As in, no matter what your business is, you’re using a plunger.  I think we all remember what happened when the freakin’ dog clogged the toilet the first week in the house.

Thanks to Doug’s contacts through work & a good friend, we were able to get some really great toilets at cost & I never thought I’d be stoked about how great these toilets are at flushing, but here I am, almost thirty, totally stoked about poopers.  While Doug & I aren’t the most handy people, we have common sense & YouTube so we figured we would give toilet installation a whirl.  While all three need to be replaced, I was mostly interested in getting the upstairs hall complete before next week since my cousin is staying with us over Thanksgiving & I’d like to not have to provide her with fresh towels & a clean plunger at the same time.

Then everything went to shit. Literally.

The first problem was that the original toilet was in such awful shape that the bolts were corroded, meaning we had to saw them off with a teeny saw & our faces down in the rust & yuck. The tank broke when we popped it off since it had been screwed on too tight & then when we lifted the bowl, we had a lovely surprise of raw sewage. Except we’d never used this toilet, so now we were face-to-face with old shit that wasn’t even ours.

Oh, I’m sorry. You weren’t eating, were you?

We get the new toilet on & no, there is no tutorial because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIY BLOGGERS DO IT. Like, I’m up to my elbows in a trash bag full of someone else’s shit & Harry’s standing at the door asking if that is poop on repeat & Doug is like I HATE THIS HOUSE & when am I supposed to be taking pictures?  pffft.

94223817174287162 QAvhrTa1 c 198x300 Lets talk poop.

Inspiration Picture
Source: themarionhousebook.com via Beth Anne on Pinterest

Also corroded: the valve & hose, which means we had to replace those but they’re not sealing properly & by removing the 20-year-old toilet, we were faced with the realization that no amount of clorox could fix the nasty old floor around it. So

off to the home improvement store I went to pick out tile.  Which we had planned to do eventually, but probably not for a solid two years when we were ready to yank out the vanity.  I went with a dark slate tile because it’s a boys bathroom & boys are dirty & found a picture on Pinterest that I liked.

Then I called our handyman because we’re one week until Turkey Day & visitors & none of our shitters work properly & ain’t nobody got time for that.

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments November 16, 2012 at 9:08 am

Don’t you just love home ownership:)

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Amy November 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

Ew, ew and ew. I do enjoy that the top of my browser says “Let’s talk about poop. Okay, BA.”. It’s like I’m having a conversation with you and actually agree to talk about poop. Obviously, if these things are cracking me up, I need more sleep. Or something. Good luck with your toilets!

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Liz November 16, 2012 at 9:20 am

Just picturing Hibby in the background “Poop? Poop? Poop?” And you guys trying not to freak out!

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Beth Anne November 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

“Is that pewp? Mommy, that’s pewp. Is it pewp? Is that pewp? Ew, that’s pewp.” ON REPEAT.

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Mrs. K November 16, 2012 at 7:26 pm

bahahaha…I can so picture this right now. That is too funny! Sorry ya’ll are having to deal with all the new-old house issues. Hang in there, Momma.

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Salena November 17, 2012 at 2:56 am

I’m dying, seriously just fucking dying right now.

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christa November 16, 2012 at 9:43 am

ugh

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jessica November 16, 2012 at 9:44 am

Oh the joys of homeownership. We have the same problem at our house. I’ve never used a plunger so much in my life. And the worst part? I own a plumbing company! I could have those toliets replaced any time. We just can’t find the time!

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Jennifer November 16, 2012 at 9:49 am

Love the tiles that you picked out… And the Sweet Brown reference, lol! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

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Ashley November 16, 2012 at 9:55 am

You crack me up!!!! Ain’t nobody got time for that – bahahahahahaha! Hope you get your poopers fixed without too much more trouble!

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Jacki November 16, 2012 at 10:03 am

Um ew. That stinks. Literally.

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Michelle November 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

I feel your pain. One month after we moved into our new house in 2010, we noticed an odor in the bathroom every time we flushed the toilet. We suspected a septic problem, so my husband ended up digging up our entire backyard and laying new pipes for the septic system, which was completely backed up and generally in very bad shape. Unfortunately, that didn’t completely fix the odor in the bathroom, so we decided to replace the old bathtub and toilet, thinking maybe they were the problem (they were old and fairly nasty, no matter how much Clorox we used). As soon as we ripped the tub, we found the real issue: mold. There was mold under the tub and in the walls around the tub. So, we ended up replacing the toilet, tub, floor and drywall. Thankfully, my husband is a) an environmental scientist by trade, so he knew how to deal with the mold and b) very handy, so it only cost us about $7K to replace a bathroom and a septic system (would have been $30K+ if we had to pay someone to do it). When we finally got everything fixed, we were talking to our neighbors about the adventure, and our neighbor told us that they used to wonder why the old lady who lived there before us used to walk up to the gas station up the street a few times per day. We now think that she had stopped pooping in her own house a long time ago. And in case you were wondering, we DID have a home inspection that revealed a working septic system and no mold in the house. Liars.

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Kayla November 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

I read over a hundred blogs (another issue for another day) and you are by far the blogger with the most poop/bathroom issues. It’s impressive really.

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Beth Anne November 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

Right?! Completely impressive.

Then this morning Harry woke us up at 3am to say “I have poop on my hands.”

I think I must be on candid poop camera.

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Suz November 16, 2012 at 10:43 am

Oh Lord! Yay for having a handy man on call. Can’t wait to see the finished product. I know it’ll {hopefully!} be worth the mess.

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Sara November 16, 2012 at 10:56 am

All I can think of now is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where Randy Quaid yells “Shitter’s Full!!!”

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Beth Anne November 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

YES.

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Arnebya November 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Ain’t nobody got time for that! I’m glad y’all tried yourselves but also more gladderer that you called for help when you need it because COME ON I’m not going to like rooting around in my own family’s shit; I certainly don’t want to deal with other people’s. (And that bathroom photo is totally making me want to be in it to take a relaxing shi…never mind).

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Nicole at Mommy Moxie November 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Okay, I am thrifty to the core (or cheap as my husband likes to say), but the second I realized that it was someone else’s poop I was dealing with, I would have had the plumber over there before Harry could get another poop comment out. Then I would have been bent over the sink puking my guts out THINKING about the fact it was someone else’s poop. {{shivers}}

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Meredith @ La Buena Vida November 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

So, my husband is a plumber. Right this minute, we have two freaking toilets sitting in our freaking driveway (don’t ask). Anyway, you had me cracking up, because seriously, I can’t tell you how many times Justin been called out Thanksgiving morning/Christmas Eve for someone who tried to pull and replace a toilet at 10am before company was set to arrive at 2pm! At least you guys have a week, right? ;)

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KatieInClayton November 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I love you. I barely know you, but damn, you make me laugh like a donkey. :)

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Rachel November 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

i seriousl love you. i knwo this is not funny and i shouldn;t be laughing because broken shitters are not a laughing matter – this coming fromt he girl whose cess pool caved in her entire front yard the day of her huge holiday panini party so i know poop problems but oh my goodness, you are a riot. i adore you. that is all.

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Jenn November 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Love the floor tile you chose and the subway tiles on the walls! Good job kids. I say “I hate this fucking house” once a month or so. Home-ownership… aint it grand?

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Moe November 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

First, that totally sucks. I am so sorry.

Second, I love the way you write. It’s hilarious and so witty. So thank you for that. I love reading your blog. :)

The 2nd point was my real reason for commenting today. :)

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christina November 16, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I think you guys at this point qualify for a DIY network sitcom. Have you seen renovation realities? Admittedly it sounds like you need a double dose of both yard and bath crashers, but your toilet rip out gone awry has me thinking BA+Doug: renovation realities, we can’t make this shit up.

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Nicole November 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Freakin’ hilarious!!!

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The Many Thoughts of a Reader November 17, 2012 at 12:26 am

oooh, do i feel you. we had our downstairs bathroom freak out on us while we had our upstairs bathroom redone in early 2011. we finally had to fix the downstairs for good in may when our water heater went out and we had to break the toliet to get it because the idiot who built the house built the water heater behind a wall in the bathroom. sooooo, we got a new water heater, new flooring in the laundry room, new floor/toliet/shower in the bathroom and then in august it backed up again. we had our septic emptyed (not the issue) ohhh no there were roots growing. and the permenant fix? jackhammer up the NEW bathroom floor. but just a couple hundred bucks a year would keep us going for awhile to have the guy come out and fix thigns. so we chose that option. 2 MONTHS LATER IT DID IT AGAIN. so yeah, last week/this week/next week turned into a 3,000 kind of week. we are so not doing any of it ourselves. i hope you have a drink this weekend. i know i will.

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michele November 19, 2012 at 12:45 am

mama! elbow deep in someone else’s poop… i just have no words.

on a serious note, i’m super glad you guys called someone in! both, cause… well, poop. but also: we just found a bunch of water damage in our 2 month old house from an improperly installed toilet. (2nd instance of water damage in said brand new house in its 2 month span of existence. just… hold me.)

also: GREAT TILE! :)

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KeAnne November 19, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Stories like this are what make me believe houses are alive and live to taunt us and drive us crazy. Or at the very least, make us spend all our money. Good for you for calling someone in!

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