I sat in her office, back on the couch that I knew so well. Her hair is reaching her shoulders now & we talked about how much I love my job & how my three-year-old is the most exquisite form of exhaustion, how he’s the most marvelous jackass I know, how I just want to eat him up when I peek in on him at night.
Then I told her about the darkness. The Big Ugly, swirling up inside me when the sun goes down each day & I don’t want it to be that way. My hands clenched tight & I told her about how I can’t seem to focus my sight on anything for too long & how the other night, I stood in my new big house & wanted to sink right through the floor. How the depression in my head told me that I’d never be good enough, I’d never be able to handle anything, & that it wished me luck eating that elephant one bite at a time while I was being suffocated by the elephant’s fat ass.
By the time I finished explaining, my heart racing through my chest & even my legs shook. I was fine just two weeks ago & then it all came crashing down with the time change. I worked with Alzheimer’s patients for years & am well aware of the term “sun-downing;” I just never thought I’d be using the term to describe my own mental health. I’ve accepted that this is me, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t stop fighting.
I want you, my friends in the computer & in real life, to know that I am okay. Right now we are trying to combat the seasonal anxiety with mild anxiety medication that I take as the sun starts setting. I also sit under my light therapy lamp for a minimum of an hour each night, which is the perfect amount of time for me to read books to Harrison & watch a cartoon with him snuggled up against me. I feel better already & am once again reminded how hot-damn lucky I am to have my doctor & UNC so close, along with a husband that told me the other day that he didn’t think of me as “the depressed girl” even though I do.