title: Ute Thumps & Heart Thumps
I was 17 weeks the first time I felt Harrison move. I never had the moments before where I wondered, “Is that it? Is that it?” Maybe because my sciatic pain hurt too badly for me to focus on anything else, or maybe because I was always shoving my face with bean burritos, so let’s not even pretend it’s baby flutters.
I think I was sitting at my desk in my office when I felt them & my hand flew to my belly. It was a slight flutter, like a tickle on the inside or a little bug flitting around. I paused & held my breath…then I felt it again. & again.
For several weeks, those little kicks became the most precious inside joke between me & my baby, when I would giggle because he’d be flipping around. My belly was still forming & squishy so some afternoons when I couldn’t feel them, I laid on my stomach on the bed just so & boom! he’d start kicking & flipping.
nudge, nudge, nudge. hey, momma.
It became my lifeline to Harrison on the days when I feared another miscarriage, where I wondered if he was okay & I’d grab a sip of Coke & he’d kick me in response. The day when I cried over daycare costs & insurance & just when I was about to sob that having a baby was a big mistake, he nudged his foot & it brought me back to how much I loved him & wanted him.
nudge, nudge, nudge. everything will be okay, momma.
Harrison grew & pulled & in the middle of May, Doug placed his hand on my belly & felt him for the first time. His eyes lit up & my heart overflowed because this baby was ours. This active baby was from me & him & we’d be holding him soon.
nudge, nudge, nudge. i’m all yours, momma.
Then that month before birth & he pressed his foot into my hand through my belly & it felt weird & sci-fi but so perfect. I shook his foot & he pressed it back into my hand.
nudge, nudge, nudge. i’ll see you soon, momma.