I was a senior in high school the first time my vagina decided that it hated me & it was quite shocking because I had never done anything to it.
No, seriously. Nothing. I didn’t even know what a vibrator was at that point, nor how to kill one.
I got my period every three weeks in high school. It was annoying but it wasn’t like I was doing anything with my vagina at that point, much to the irritation of my high school boyfriend. Then I got my period at graduation & I was like PRAISE BE because that meant I could go Playtex-free for our 10-day trip to Italy.
Except 4 days into the Italy trip, halfway across the world from my stash of tampons, I started my period again.
That really sucked.
So I came home & went on low-hormone birth control for the next 5 years to whip my uterus back in shape. Then I started NuvaRing right before saying “I do” & that bad boy carried me on until January 0f 2008 when I fell out of bed from the pain of a ruptured ovarian cyst. Once again, my uterus was hatin’. I sucked it up until I got pregnant & then I was pregnant for like, twenty years (14 months with a six-week break, actually). I think my vagina had pity on me because I had finally given it a job to do but then the NuvaRing made me go certifiably batshitcrazy. So I swithced to low-dose birth control again until a big clusterfuck of me losing my job threw insurance into a tailspin.
I’ve been birth control free for almost a year & it’s been glorious. As much as my vagina wishes me dead, my body just does not do well with hormones.
But slowly my uterus has been making a comback to where my cycles are shorter & shorter & then BAM! I’m getting my period every three weeks again. I was like, I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF BUYING A HOUSE & MANAGING A TODDLER, UTERUS but then last week my uterus was like STOP IGNORING ME.
Let me put it to you this way: I’ve been a “woman” now for 17 years & I’ve had experience on handling it. But my Jockeys lost the battle 5 times last month, including the time I had to throw them out in the office bathroom. So I called my OB/GYN & she put me back on birth control & it obviously wasn’t the cocktail that my pissy vagina wanted, because I’ve been bleeding on & off for weeks now. It’s pretty irritating at this point in my life because I am doing things with my vagina & my husband is a hottie & this is really cramping our style. (get it, cramps? see what I did there?) Maybe it’s all ticked off that I haven’t given it another job to do in the past three years, but if it cares that much, it can go out & get it’s own damn job & health insurance benefits.
No, vagina. Don’t get your own job. The only jobs your qualified for tend to be illegal.
Sometimes I seriously hate being female. Get your shit together, womanhood.