Then my ladyhood decided that it hated me.

by heirtoblair on October 26, 2012

I was a senior in high school the first time my vagina decided that it hated me & it was quite shocking because I had never done anything to it.

No, seriously.  Nothing.

I got my period every three weeks in high school.  It was annoying but it wasn’t like I was doing anything with my vagina at that point, much to the irritation of my high school boyfriend.  Then I got my period at graduation & I was like PRAISE BE because that meant I could go Playtex-free for our 10-day trip to Italy.

Except 4 days into the Italy trip, halfway across the world from my stash of tampons, I started my period again.

That really sucked.

So I came home & went on low-hormone birth control for the next 5 years to whip my uterus back in shape.  Then I started NuvaRing right before saying “I do” & that bad boy carried me on until January 0f 2008 when I fell out of bed from the pain of a ruptured ovarian cyst.  Once again, my uterus was hatin’.  I sucked it up until I got pregnant & then I was pregnant for like, twenty years (14 months with a six-week break, actually).   I think my vagina had pity on me because I had finally given it a job to do but then the NuvaRing made me go certifiably batshitcrazy.  So I switched to low-dose birth control again until a big clusterfuck of me losing my job threw insurance into a tailspin.

I’ve been birth control free for almost a year & it’s been glorious.  As much as my vagina wishes me dead, my body just does not do well with hormones.

But slowly my uterus has been making a comeback to where my cycles are shorter & shorter & then BAM! I’m getting my period every three weeks again.  I was like, I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF BUYING A HOUSE & MANAGING A TODDLER, UTERUS but then last week my uterus was like STOP IGNORING ME.

I called my OB/GYN & she put me back on birth control & it obviously wasn’t the cocktail that my ladyhood wanted.  It’s pretty irritating at this point in my life because I am doing things with my vagina & my husband is a hottie & this is really cramping our style.  (get it, cramps? see what I did there?)  Maybe it’s all ticked off that I haven’t given it another job to do in the past three years, but if it cares that much, it can go out & get it’s own damn job & health insurance benefits.

Wait.

No, vagina.  Don’t get your own job. The only jobs your qualified for tend to be illegal.

Sometimes I seriously hate being female.  Get your shit together, womanhood.

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Tottums October 26, 2012 at 10:08 am

DUDE. My Jockey’s lost a battle in my office bathroom this week. It was disgusting. Like, the super plus ginormous tampon that had only been in for 2 hours turned into a toothpick and just STOPPED WORKING. WTF. ‘Surfing the crimson wave’ has an entirely new meaning to me now.

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Sally October 26, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Praise be! Someone out there understands! And I had to LOL at the tampon that turned into a toothpick, because I completely and totally get it.

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molly October 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

I struggle with multiple and recurring ovarian cysts. It started when I was 16 and had a period for two months straight and thought I would fall over from the agonizing pain. Then in December of last year, when I had an IUD, I started my period again and it lasted over a month. Turns out the cysts were back and I had to go on birth control. Now I’m gaining weight and I never have before. It could just be the McDonald’s fries but I’m inclined to think the BC did something bad to me. I don’t like being on BC either due to my mental health but it’s either go batshitcrazy or be in pain all the time. Nice choices.

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Arnebya October 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

Not only did my Jockeys (OK they were really cute pretty pink Victoria’s Secret things) lose, but so did the yoga pants and the motherloving sheets! THE HELL, VAGINA? I thought we was cool. I thought you was my girl. You be all funny acting with your untimely shenanigans and then, THEN you wanna itch simultaneously? I’d like a vaginal refund, please. This one’s broken.

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Abbey October 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

Only you could make a story about birth control and messed up periods this entertaining lol!! I seriously wish I knew you IRL because I bet you’re pretty freaking funny to be with.

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Angie O October 26, 2012 at 11:12 am

Have you ever considered the Mirena IUD? It has a small amount of hormone that only affects your uterus, and most women stop getting periods altogether when they have it. (You still have the cycle with the pms and back aches and sore boobs and all that, but you don’t bleed.) Something to consider!

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Meegs October 31, 2012 at 10:39 am

I second this. I was a heinous hoesbeast on BC, and had horrible migraines, but I’ve been using the Mirena for 2 years now and it is all puppies and angels and unicorns! ;-) Seriously, no hormonal side effects, but almost no period too! Boo-ya.

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Laura October 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

I’ve had such irregular cycles since high school, sometimes bleeding every other week, sometimes for 2-3 weeks straight. I’ve been on every dose of birth control their is (the lowest, the highest, in between). I’ve had ultra sounds, blood tests, etc. I’ve shocked all of my ob/gyn’s….they just can’t find the cause of my “break through bleeding.” The only thing that worked to stop the bleeding? Finally getting pregnant. And oh yeah, I still had bleeding in the 1st tri and part of the 2nd tri. I just love being a girl sometimes!

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Sarah October 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

This is so me! It is awful!!

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Sally @ Exploits of a military Mama October 26, 2012 at 11:41 am

I know this isn’t a funny problem to have, but you damn sure tricked me! I love you.

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Momma Maven October 26, 2012 at 11:52 am

I feel for ya, did that whole thing after dude 2 was born back and forth between a billion types of BC, no BC, Mirena (DO NOT get it before reading this- http://www.mommamaven.com/2012/03/im-finally-breaking-up-with-my-mirena.html) and now I’m back to no BC since I can’t be on anything other than progesterone only which did not work for me.

Anyway, my best advice- have they tried any other types of BC other than a low dose? I would look into doing a progesterone only (although my experience with it sucked, it doesn’t do that for everyone) since it doesn’t have any of the various types of estrogen and that may be what your body is reacting to negatively. Also ask about monophasic and biphasic pills versus a tri phasic, I used to be very sensitive to the popular tri’s (orthotricyclen, et al) but did great on a monophasic (which has a single dose the entire month instead of switching which some people don’t tollerate well). Just my .02, hope it gets better!

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MommaBird October 26, 2012 at 11:53 am

Holy shit, I was speed reading thinking to myself that she surely isn’t going to announce that she’s pregnant @ the end of this. Phew….

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Candice October 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I can no longer use any hormonal birth control because it turns me into a homicidal lunatic, completely defeating the purpose of using birth control (fun times!). Sigh. Every time I try, after about three weeks, my husband is cowering in a corner hoping I don’t stab him. Not exactly romantic.

I’m 100% convinced that if men could get pregnant, birth control would be nothing like this and tampons would never fail.

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Ariel October 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

BA, can I just profess my love to you right now? You never fail to bring a smile to my face, even though I feel a tiny bit guilty smiling over your vagina issues. Sorry! I’m a hormonal mess all the time if it makes you feel any better. Happy Friday! Thanks for the laugh! :-)

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samantha October 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

yup gave up on b/c shortly after my second was born any thing with tiniest amount hormone makes my go off the deep end of sanity screaming and waving a white flag. even the mirena made me bleed for 8 MONTHS SOLID- no break. period. i was so anemic when i had them take it out i was like a walking zombie. the one good thing about nursing- i havent had a period since my son was born 4 months ago, so i have been flow free for a year now (woop woop). but when it comes back i am going to try the moon cup- tampons and pads actually draw the flow from you making it heavy and worse for us sister who bleed like a stuck hog once a month, the cup catches it all- you empty, rinse, insert, repeat. it sounds gross, but no worse than pulling a nasty tampon string out, and since it doesnt (or shouldnt) leak its actually cleaner than a tampon string.

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Babe_Chilla October 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

You know, I was fine except for being made COMPLETELY INSANE by BCP which I didn’t know until AFTER I went off them when we got married. And then Everly. And then I had NO period for that whole 10 months, and then another 14 more for breastfeeding and the like.

Then she returned. I expected it to be heavy. Or gross. Or weird. Or all of it. Only for awhile….

So now we’re oh, 16 months down the line and that ish is messed right up. I’ve had to call my husband to bring my clothes at work on more than one occasion. It tries to kill me for a few days, then magically disappears for one and I’m all “IS THIS THE MONTH WE’RE BACK IN NORMAL LAND?” and then no, it throws me a 1-2 day encore and then for shits and giggles, spotting for oh, I dunno a few more days. From first to last annoying smear, it’s averaging 10-12 days.

This ALSO cramps my style.

That was a long and almost completely pointless story about MY vagina, I shared only as a method to commiserate.

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KeAnne October 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I have bad endo & after we stopped IF treatments, I decided not to return to BCPs b/c I enjoyed not having them in my system. 4 years later, I’m having similar issues as you and I’m going to have to do something. Sadly, I don’t think BCPs are the only answer.

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Laura Case October 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I had lots of issues with my period both pre and post partum. Biggest problem – what started as close periods got closer and closer until I had it ALL THE TIME.

After an INSANE failed attempt with Mirena, my doctor and I put together a plan to try out various BCPs starting with the lowest doses out there and slowly working my way up. Whatever the lowest dose one was made me just keep bleeding. Yaz was great except my face breaks out so I went up to ortho-tricyclen. That made me depressed so I went back to Yaz and see my dermatologist for the breakouts.

I’m SO SO SO SO SO GLAD we went with this method because I felt like a doctor finally helped me find the right one. I’m not kidding when I say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and I’d say 50% of it is the fact that I’m on the right hormone.

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Nikki October 26, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Not only was I dying laughing at the blogpost (sorry, BA!), but the replies above had me snorting and crying and almost falling out of my chair. At work. Thank God my boss is out of town (our offices are only separated by a set of french doors that are usually open); it’d be hard to explain what I was cracking up this hard over.

Vaginas suck. And actually, for the record, my entire reproductive system does too….but that’s not for here.

Thanks for making my day, ladies!

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Mae (Life's Candy) October 26, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I haven’t commented on a blog in over a month. YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?! Anyway, I have the opposite problem, as far as the crazy making hormones. I can’t fucking WAIT to get my Mirena back after we finally get around to having baby#2. I’ve been off bc for over a year and I am a wretched bitch the weeks of ovulation and menstruation.

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Maggie October 26, 2012 at 3:14 pm

OMG. The nuvaring made me absolutely crazy after DS #1, too. Hubby now admits he was scared of me when I went back on it, lol.

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JJ October 26, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Seriously, sometimes we are living parallel lives, between birthing our kids weeks apart, accepting the baby weight, the severe PPD and resulting “vacation” (yes, one of my psychiatrists called my stay in the psych ward a vacation because I was “just a little sad”) and now this. I did a three month stint on BC pills and finally was like, “TAKE ME OFF THE CRAZY”. I don’t know what’s next but my vag vag is not happy either. On a nicer note, my girl calls it her “gina” [with a long "i"] and now we have had to start talking about how some parts are private but of course have that talk without it being something that makes her feel ashamed. Le Sigh, is all I can say.

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shannon October 26, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Have you thought about implanon? I have this, its a three year implant in the upper inside part of your arm. It has worked really well for me.

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Jenn October 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Seriously, this has to be one of the best posts you have ever written. I was DYING silently in my office as I read this….I am 9 mo preggo and *may* have even peed a little trying to hold it together. So funny…..so funny.

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Allison October 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Somebody help a girl out. I never knew that birth control messed with your ability to reach the Big O?! Why?

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Michelle October 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Love this post! You truely made me laugh out loud this morning. Maybe one of my favorites ever. Thanks for the laugh!

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Ruthy T. (@DiscoveryStreet) October 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

OK..i’m laughing hysterically, but also sympathizing. In high school I got my period every 2 weeks!! I became incredibly anemic. I just had a baby 7 weeks ago, I’m breastfeeding exclusively, and guess who started their period last week. me. then it went away, and now its back, 4 days later. what. the. hell.

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Ashley October 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I feel your pain!!! I got the IUD a year ago and it was the best decision I’ve ever made as far as controlling the uterus goes. It took a couple of months to regulate, but now my period is like clockwork and it lasts at most 3 days. No cramping, no using whole boxes of tampons to control the beast that is my period.

Hope you find something that suits you. Womanhood is no joke!

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Ali @thecoffeeqween October 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Ok so secret confession here: the hubs is supposed to get “fixed” but I secretly just want to go back on mirena(my lifesaver) bc I have no periods on it. Mine aren’t bad or irregular but I starte when I was 9 years old and at 32 and done having babies I’m like this bitch needs to go! But seriously I’m over my monthly visitor she has over stayed her welcome:)

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christina October 26, 2012 at 10:04 pm

if the nuva ring made you nuts, hear me now DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT get the Mirena IUD. It sounded like all the answers to all my vaginal problems. I had been on the copper IUD (and consquently bleeding for 21 days a month, which is how you don’ get pregnant on it, there’s no appropriate time for sex between hemorrhage and cleaning bedsheets), and decided to make the switch to Mirena.
The first 2 months were okay. And then the migraines came. the ones where I couldn’t see out of my left eye for days and my speech was slurred. then the cystic acne on my chin. Then the sores in my mouth. But But, I wasn’t having a period! AWESOME! but I also had horrible sores in my mouth, so I couldn’t eat (yay! weight loss!) and it was a good thing I couldn’t see half hte time, because my face looked like it was the practice sheet for someone learning to shoot buck shot.

So, my point is.. I hope you find a solution-which herbal therapy coupled with accupuncture sounds like the answer for you… DO NOT even THINK about Mirena. Just don’t. Other than the physical symptoms, I had a rage that was like King Kong. Just do’nt do it.

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michele October 27, 2012 at 1:59 am

duuuude, mama. i so feel you. my ute likes to induce cramps that are SO HEINOUS i have both a) passed out in my HS front office on the floor and b) interrupted a phone call of a random college classmate that i DIDN’T KNOW to demand that he drive me the 2 blocks to my house. immediately. and for the entire drive i didn’t speak a word other than to direct him.

women with lame ute’s, UNITE! (Ute-Nite?)

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rachel October 30, 2012 at 1:19 am

This is the best post I’ve read. In Months. And the responses are just as entertaining. And seriously though, it’s 2012, shouldn’t somebody have figured out how to get rid of periods altogether by now? (Without hormones which make me “batshit crazy” if batshit crazy means sitting in a corner and sobbing uncontrollably).

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heirtoblair October 30, 2012 at 9:23 am

You would think so. We put a man on the moon. We can talk over computers. SURELY there can be a way to end periods.

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