We closed on our first home in March 2007 when we had one silly dog but no child & I worked at a job wherre I had a build-up of vacation & sick leave. I took off three days to simply set up our home after months of deciding on curtain rods & we moved from 700 sq ft to 1650 sq ft & simply didn’t have a lot of stuff. The house was move-in ready with no paint or spackle needed & we were settled within a week. Our quiet evenings were spent with books or television or christening every room of our house, bow chica bow wow.
This move is completely different.
Our house, which was an amazing deal, is more like a foreclosure in that the previous investors were ready to wash their hands of it & not do much else. Yes, the paint was upgraded but oh man, that yellow turns lime green the moment the sun goes down. Several of the outlets don’t work, the weather stripping had to be replaced on the back doors, & we’re nailing a piece of plywood to the broken part of the backyard fence until we can get a more solid plan for it’s replacement. I have no idea where my jeans are, except the ones with the holes that I use for painting & hauling boxes. In the evenings, I sit outside Harrison’s door for an hour just so he can fall asleep feeling secure in his new home.
So last night when I crashed into our new king-sized bed while torrential rain poured outside, I was like the dead.
Until 1am, when the fire alarm blared.
We were so sound asleep that it took a moment for it to register & then we were a scramble of legs & nightgown & bedhead to get to a) Harrison & b) the alarm. With no smoke or flames, Doug reached up to touch the alarm system & was like, “OH SHIT.” The fire alarm was dripping water & still screaming at us & we noticed three more spots of water on our new-to-us ceilings & we’re both like, “OH SHIT.” Doug tries to yank out the batteries, the fire alarm is dangling, & it’s still emitting the most God-awful sound directly into our ears & Doug is all, “Man, fuck this” & rips the damn thing out of the ceiling, wires in hand.
I think we can all take a moment to appreciate a) testosterone & b) that homeboy wasn’t electrocuted & c) that the house didn’t burn down.
There was nothing to be done about our (obviously) leaking roof at 1am, so I checked on Harrison to be sure he was still breathing since he slept through the entire ordeal. Doug & I finally collapsed into bed around 1:30, wide-eyed & praying the rain would stop before the walls fell in.
At 6am, we rose blearily as Harrison bounced with energy (you know, since he got 10 hours of sleep) & we decided to head down for a cup of coffee, only to find piles upon piles of dog shit in the living room. If it wasn’t Tuck’s first accident in over five years, I’d be tempted to sell her to a low-reputation Chinese restuarant today.
I set up the coffee & Harry pranced at my feet & Doug disposed of her poop in the downstairs toilet until he yelled “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” as I see brownish water flooding from the bathroom into hall & kitchen. That canine bitch clogged the toilet until it overflowed.
Are you keeping track? Because at that moment I had a leaking roof, a ripped-out fire alarm, dog shit in my carpet, a clogged toilet, & poop water seeping throughout my house. & it was only 6:15am.
To answer the obvious questions, yes, roofing folks have been called & no, I haven’t had a drink yet. I think they call this “Hump Day” because Wednesday seriously just effed me like a rabid dingo.
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On the bright side (assuming you’ve already had a drink by the time I post this comment) – you have some great blog content
Love that you haven’t lost your sense of humour and hoping this is the end of the house stress!
I Second this!
Oh honey…there are no words. You are right…you couldn’t make this up if you tried! Prayers that the rest of the week will be a dramatic improvement!
I.AM.DEAD.
I’m laughing so hard right now I can’t breathe. Dear Sweet Heavens. Thank you for sharing this.
I love you. I love that you are this real about life and when it sucks.
Agree! I’m also laughing, right now, since we’ve had many crazy moments in our home. I teach at a university and I’m constantly telling the undergrad students (who aren’t even old enough to buy a drink legally) that they need to enjoy this time in their life and not be in such a rush to get through these years. And when they come to class tired, I tell them they will never know the meaning of the word tired until they have children!
Hope the rest of your day went better. Thanks for being so real, it’s what always brings me back to your space here.
Oh. My. God. This is awesome. And frighteningly similar to my own life. Thank you for sharing. And also -wine.
Oh my LORD. Was he bare chested when he ripped it straight outta the ceiling?!
Hilarious and real. There’s no topping that! Xxx
So, I guess when it rains, it pours but in your case… when it rains, it pours poop water! I had a week like that last week but since I’m pregnant and couldn’t have my whiskey, which I so desperately wanted, I settled for eating my weight in ice cream. I hope your day gets better and kudos for having a great sense of humor about it all!
I can’t stop laughing and I’m trying to contain it so I don’t wet my pants and give all my new co-workers something to chat about. This has to be one of the best crappy-ass days I’ve heard in, well, forever… hilarious. Hope it all gets fixed, and better, and that you get a glass, er, bottle of wine to wash it all down with.
holy hell on ice. talk about the money pit. I’m sorry that is NO way to start hump day!
I know that this might not help at all, but when my parents bought their second home when I was 14, two weeks after we moved in the sink fell off the bathroom wall. As in, 14 year old me leaned on it to look in the mirror closer, 50 year old porcelain sink falls to the floor bending and breaking the water pipe shooting water straight at the ceiling and all over me, shooting in the hallway and down the freaking stairs into my mother’s fancy formal dining room and seeping into the new carpet. Now picture my level headed mother running all over the house trying to figure out how to turn the water off to the house, calling my dad on the phone and yelling at me, standing in soaking wet clothes, to get towels. Because a few bath towels was going to fix that problem.
In all seriousness, that sounds totally sucky, but it’ll make for a great story one day. Hope it all gets fixed soon!
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I want to compliment you on your story-telling skills. Such a fun read!
I hope tomorrow is awesome for you.
I’m dying. Seriously DYING. The mental image of Doug reaching up and yanking out the fire alarm, all while yelling “fuck it” (he’ll always be Nate Archibald in my mind) so I imagine him in just his skivvies.
I’m also dying at walking into a chinese restaurant and ordering an order of “Lo Mein Tuck” and a side of white rice.
I see on IG you had a big ol glass of wine. I hope you follow that with a couple more. You deserve it. Then y’all should christen the not shit filled bathroom
Oh my gosh!!! I am soooo sorry!!! Will be praying it gets straightened out and fixed soon!
This is seriously the funniest blog entry since Harry’s epic poop explosion a couple of years back. Seriously, I’m dead over here.
Oh. Em. Gee.
This post is hilarious & only underscores how awesome I think you are. Anyone else would be crying in the corner (& maybe you are, but at least you have a fabulous glass of wine to do it with).
Hopefully your tomorrow is full of glitter & sparkly & awesome!!
*still LOL’ing at the sheer hilarity of it all*
1. I don’t say this lightly: That fucking sucks.
2. You are HILARIOUS when you’re pissed off.
3. Wish we were nearby and could lend a hand. Except with the dog shit. Y’all can handle that on your own.
BA, first, I have just started following you in the past six months or so and love your blog.
Second, I am so sorry you had such a craptastic day.
Third, I read this and I was DYING. So, naturally, I had to read it to my husband and we were laughing so hard we were crying and thinking “That would totally happen to us, too!” Here’s hoping Thursdays are better and Wednesdays aren’t always on your shit list. Literally.
Oh, BA! I am so sorry, but I seriously cannot stop laughing. That BLOWS! Ugh! Literally, when it rains it pours for ya’ll. Pours shit water.
I’m here for workday bitchfests and pigouts if you need me. Love you!
Well you just made my mother-flippin’ rental feel like a haven. Please tell me you have some sort of homeowners warranty that covers all this?? Or just some very good, very skilled friends?? Who also happen to own a liquor store? ‘Cause you gonna need some help this weekend….
Poor you
We’ll get the keys to our new house tomorrow but we won’t be able to move in for 1-2 months! We’ll have to take care of some major projects so I hope we don’t have to have moments like these haha!
I hope you can still enjoy the newness
Love,
Evelien
This brings back memories-when we bought our house a year ago-no sooner had the truck been unloaded and we were ready to go to sleep than we realized the air was not working. IN JULY. IN THE TRIAD. It had been 100 degrees that day-1 emergency visit from an HVAC guy and $400 later, we were comfortable, but sheesh! It worked during the 503456 inspections and walk thrus…….I feel you! This will make for a great story later-good thing your humor remained intact
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
I’m going to wake up the boy child any minute…
Oh man, this is my favorite post in a loooong time. Ive been there, done that bullshit right after we bought our house. You’re in good company
keep these posts coming!!
Seeing this in print is even funnier than hearing it in person. I know you about to lose your damn mind – keep your chin up honey, you’ll be all settled in no time!
Oh man. Good luck with all of this….hang in there!
Good Gawd! I am cracking up, I am sorry. Literally laughing out loud like a deranged hyena at my desk. Not because your pain is funny, but because it is good that I am not alone. Sigh. Good luck, momma.
I am ::chuckle:: so, so ::laugh:: sorry ::deep breath:: Really. I ::snicker:: am. I really am. ::fake straight face::
Girl, I am right there with you! Monday night I had a screaming teething baby, the start of a nasty sinus cold which led to no sleep, exploding dog poo all over the dog, her blankets, and crate, cat pee on the other dog bed, and an out of town husband. Cheers to surviving.
I think most of us have had days like this. Ours was the first day after we took our first baby home. Dayus Horribilus complete with medical emergency for said baby, entire hive of wasps breaking into the baby’s bedroom, flooding of the electrical gear by broken washing machine, taxis that wouldn’t come because it was school run time and then dropped up off at the wrong medical centre, doctors that wouldn’t see our son because he was “not registered’ and a ravenously hungry new baby screaming its head off for the whole day. We did have a drink that evening.
Oh my. It’s like National Lampoon’s House Buying Adventure! I hope that life calms down very soon so you can enjoy the new house. Happy to bring wine if needed…
hahahaha oh my god.
Oh dear. So sorry. Hang in there:).
bahahaha ohhh this made me laugh SO hard. I’m sorry.
oh bless you!
A-mazing. I hope that it is all feeling better by now, mama… but damn was that funny reading.
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