StrollerThon 2.0

by heirtoblair on October 1, 2011

Today was the Postpartum Education & Support, Inc. StrollerThon, raising money for awareness & celebrating victories.  Last year, my doctor wrapped her arms around me & I choked with love for my little boy & my life.

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This year, I met my friends in the brisk fall air with excitement & happiness.  We laughed & sipped coffee while we waited for the walk to begin, while very sweet husbands pumped stroller tires for those of us that oops! had flats.  (okay, I was the only one)

Amy & I set out with our matching Bumbleride strollers, chatting about selling homes & the exhaustion of motherhood.   I’ve known Amy for almost ten years now, back when boys & booze were our topics.  Funny how things change.

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Harry & Charlotte were antsy after the walk, so we unleashed them on the playground.

(side note:  a girl looked over & said, “Are you Beth Anne?” & then she said my maiden name & I almost fell over, but she was a girl I knew in middle school.  That’s over 15 years ago & there we were, standing on a playground with our kids.  It’s nuts living in your hometown, even if your hometown is one of the biggest cities in the state.)

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& then…Harrison was done.

When the kid is done, he is done.

So I took him home, tucked him in bed for a nap & began editing pictures.  It had been a fantastic morning of friendship & motherhood & happiness.  I looked to my right at the bottom desk drawer & the notebooks it held.  Notebooks from last year, journals from the beginnings & the lows & the hospital.  Without a hesitation of doubt, I gathered them up & walked them to the trash cans outside.  I do not want those words anymore, or those feelings.  Those notebooks, full of angry words & sketches made when I was hurting — I feel no urge to keep them.

I want to be like Harrison & be done.

& simply be thankful for the journey they gave me.

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Law Momma October 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Awww honey. You have come SO far. Love and hugs!!!

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heirtoblair October 1, 2011 at 7:36 pm

xoxoxo in your face.

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Megyn October 1, 2011 at 7:34 pm

You are just such a HUGE inspiration! I truly hope that one day I can get to a point where I can just toss all the negativity from my life and move on :)

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heirtoblair October 1, 2011 at 7:36 pm

thanks, Megyn. I don’t feel like an inspiration at all, just someone who keeps struggling with the ups & downs. But I am trying so hard to not let the past keep weighing me down. It’s like two steps forward & one step back most of the time :)

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LA October 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Yes, you are an inspiration. A great big high five and hug to you.
I am so very happy for you!

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Victoria October 1, 2011 at 8:22 pm

That’s so incredible! I’m happy for you : )

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Beth October 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Lovely blog entry.
Is it just me or did your kid get bigger within the last few weeks?

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ams33/alisha October 1, 2011 at 9:33 pm

What a great day! and I love the big guy’s haircut. Too cute.

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Hilary October 1, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Ok, make it stop!!! When did Harrison suddenly turn into a little boy? I don’t understand, nor do I like. He looked like a baby boy a couple weeks ago. Killing me with the cuteness though, what a precious boy!

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Hilary October 1, 2011 at 9:53 pm

And by the way, I’m pregnant with twin boys and your blog makes me less afraid of postpartum depression than anything else I have read. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! You should be so proud of yourself and what you have accomplished. I am in awe.

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molly October 1, 2011 at 10:48 pm

=)

A smiley face says enough for this post, right?

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Amy October 1, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I love you and I loved today! So proud!

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ann @ my life as prose. October 2, 2011 at 12:21 am

friend, i’m a wee bit choked up over this one. lots of love for you. you’re such an incredible woman. i seriously want to be you when i grow up. no joke.

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Autumn October 2, 2011 at 12:42 am

God used you tonight. Earlier today my husband brought me piles of my journals. The ones filled with scary, hate, abuse, confession and so much ugliness from my own battles. He asked me to throw them away and embrace this new life. I held onto them. I have felt pulled and convicted all day. . . praise God for your words and His confimration. It is time to shake free from that bondage and be DONE. Thank you.

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Natalie October 2, 2011 at 9:09 am

That must have been such a great feeling!! Congrats girl, truly happy for you!

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Izabela October 2, 2011 at 9:45 am

How does one get involoved with a walk like this?
I’d love to meet and bond with other women who have fought this battle.

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Lenette October 2, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Wow, it is so hard to let go of things sometimes. I truly applaud you.

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ABC October 3, 2011 at 9:44 am

Harrison looks SO BIG in these pictures!!!

What a victory for you to be able to let go of those notebooks. Congrats, mama!

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Jocelyn October 3, 2011 at 12:28 pm

BA, that is AWESOME!!! That has to feel so good to you, getting rid of that drawer of darkness. I’m so glad that you’re now in such a better, happier place, and feeling so great! And p.s. – I don’t think Harry has ever looked more like his daddy than in that second picture – holy cow! (well, from what i know of you guys from your blog, of course ;) )

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Diana @Hormonal Imbalances October 3, 2011 at 2:39 pm

::sobs:: His curls….

Beyond that, he looks so cute. I’m so very proud that you are at this stage. I know this is something that might be better in an email, but maybe a lot of us wonder it. Do you worry this will happen all over again with another baby? I think about what a basket case I was and it makes me nervous about ever having another kid. How do you handle it?

If it’s way too personal for here (like beyond cervical mucus personal) you don’t have to answer. :)

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heirtoblair October 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

No, totally not too personal!

I do worry. A lot. I worry less about postpartum depression & more about a full psychosis, just because that detachment from reality…well, it’s terrifying. I worry about being separated from my boys again by needing the hospital. I worry about not enjoying babyhood ever.

But then…then I think about how much more we know now. How I will be treated from the beginning & how it won’t be all so new again. & then I feel okay with it, like I can totally face it.

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MarMat October 3, 2011 at 3:48 pm

this post made me very happy today!
::like::

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Rachel October 3, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Your son is so adorable! Lovely post and blog!

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beth October 3, 2011 at 11:19 pm

THIS IS HANDS DOWN MY FAVORITE POST!!! SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU MY COURAGEOUS FRIEND!

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