The best part.

by heirtoblair on July 26, 2011

holdingontomomma 682x1024 The best part.There’s something about the ocean that heals me.  Last year, it was a week at the beach that helped me realize that Harrison loved me, wanted me, & chose me.

Late Sunday morning, I scooped Harrison up & waded knee-deep into the water.  After hours of playing in the sand & dodging waves, my tired boy laid his head on my shoulder, arms draped but hands firmly grasping my shoulders.  The water glittered crystal blue & the waves came – some rocking gently, some causing me to regain footing in the sand.  Much like life & this past year.

I stood there in the quiet with my son, feeling the burden lift.  The guilt I felt over missing so much of his first year, not wondering if he would ever forgive me, but wondering if I could ever forgive myself.

Somewhere in that sunshine & salty air, the forgiveness came.  Warmly, slowly, seeping upwards until I felt everything melt away.

I stared out into the water & came to the realization that it was just a season in my life.  Just a moment in the bigger picture, much like the wave that just made me side-step to the right to keep balance.  An entire ocean out there of hope & life, but to let go of that wave so I could be ready for the next.

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments July 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

This reads like poetry and as always your strength is shining through. Thank you for reminding us that sometimes we need to let go so we can be “ready for the next”.

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Pamela Gold July 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I’ve been avoiding PPD posts lately because I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m glad I read this one. It really speaks to me.

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bonzer July 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

perfect. perfect. perfect.

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R's Mom July 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

You just made me cry (in a good way). This was beautifully written. I am so glad you are feeling this way. Forgiving ourselves is often much harder than forgiving others. The word that keeps popping in my mind after reading your post is “grace.” I hope you can keep the grace of that moment close to your heart for years to come…

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Katie July 26, 2011 at 2:14 pm

So happy you have gotten to this point. It’s not something that is talked about very much, almost the PTSD after you are better, the guilt/shame/regret that sticks around for a bit. It’s tough to let go of that for sure, but I like how you likened it to a “season”, so true!

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Kimberly July 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I am supposed to be on a hiatus from blogging to get my head on straight but I am glad that I read this. I find myself laying the blame on me but the thing we have to realize is that it was never our fault. It’s the holding in to the thoughts of what we missed and what our illnesses did. Thing is there is so much more to look FORWARD to. He has so much more growing to do yet and how excited you and I should be to be able to be a part of that NOW.
Our past with PPD will always sting but letting it go so that we can be present now? Is so much better. It allows us to move forward.
Enjoy it BA. You worked so extremely hard.
Thank you for this post xoxo

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Katherine @ Postpartum Progress July 26, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Jenn July 26, 2011 at 2:40 pm

What a beautiful post. I have stated, over and over again, that I don’t understand why my son loves me as much as he does. People thinking I am joking . . . I am not. I have been battle rage brought on my PPD and he was the focus of much of it and yet he loves me with all his heart.

Thank you for this post.

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Kristin @ What She Said July 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Very well said. Glad you found healing.

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Lindsay July 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Love this post, B.A.
Even though P.P.D. is a back and forth kind of battle… I’m so glad you’re committed to your own healing.

You’re one beautiful gal… inside and out! :)

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Jocelyn July 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Love it, BA. So glad you enjoyed some wonderful time away.

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jackie s July 26, 2011 at 3:23 pm

absolutely beautiful

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Sarah Jean Baker July 26, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I love this! Thanks so much for sharing and inspiring all us mamas to not be so hard on ourselves, so we can enjoy the journey of motherhood!

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molly July 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Remember when I told you that you need to forgive yourself? It’s because it sets you and everyone else around you free from the anger and resentment that you put out into the world.

Forgiveness is amazing.

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Samantha July 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Wow…that was so beautiful! Gave me chills and made my eyes water at the same time. Such a lovely post and one I want to look back on often. You should print it and do the same. :)

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RsqAnimals July 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Im good at forgiving others but am terrible at forgiving myself. So beautifully put, BA, I need to make this my mantra!

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Devan @ Accustomed Chaos July 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

another beautiful post BA! So happy for you xxo

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kodi July 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

You’re a beautiful person & H is lucky to have you for a mommy. :)

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Rici July 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm

This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I can’t wait to run into you in a week or so!

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Jamee July 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

beautiful post!

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Jessica July 26, 2011 at 5:09 pm

MY FAVORITE POST EVER.

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Patti July 26, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Totally awesome. I’m so glad women who are suffering with PPD have this blog to turn to for truth and hope.

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Barb July 26, 2011 at 7:13 pm

This is an amazing realization. “That time was just a season”….perfect.

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Becky July 26, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Love. Simply perfect and so well spoken. I’m beginning to realize how much we have in common, being tall, reading and enjoying The Hunger Games, loving the ocean and PPD. I don’t think I knew you struggled with this (I’m a newer reader/twitter follower) and it brings me such hope and relief when women open up their lives and hearts and share their struggles with PPD. This particular post is so hopeful to me to know that if I keep looking for it and am open to it, forgiving myself will come too; with a lot of prayer and belief, it will come. I thank you, deeply for this post.

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Suz B July 26, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Yay BA! You’ve deserved to forgive yourself. So glad the ocean helped you come to that realization!

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Beth Anne July 27, 2011 at 2:37 am

One of my favs BA! It’s amazing how far I’ve come in my season, I’m still struggling with the forgiveness. It’s hard when my husband doesn’t understand it and has never been supportive. It’s a daily struggle still. :-(

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Reluctant Momma July 27, 2011 at 3:25 am

beautifully written. Simple and sweet – def. reads like poetry.

I feel the same healing powers of the ocean.

Your strength is an inspiration. Your healing gives us all hope.

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Jessica July 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

Beautiful post.

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grace July 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm

ah. how loverly.

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