Judging the cover.

by heirtoblair on February 26, 2010

20772 659981834201 25000422 37791952 28968 n Judging the cover.I think the hardest thing for me is looking at this picture & knowing that from the outside, it is perfection.  I know that’s why so many people in my life were shocked at the PPD diagnosis when it “seemed” that everything was flowing perfectly.  A beautiful baby.  A loving mother.

Who is absolutely quaking to the core of her being, knowing success means she faced the day & that little boy.  But she’s trying.  Really, really trying.

{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }

catalinaislandbride February 26, 2010 at 6:25 am

You look amazing!! You both do!!!

I'm always thinking about you~tons of love, luck and prayers to you!!
:)

♥ Shelli

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Ryan February 26, 2010 at 6:27 am

Beautiful picture! Stay strong… keeping you and your family in our prayers.

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Jessica February 26, 2010 at 6:53 am

I also love the picture. I know it's very very hard. There are days when I feel like the worst mother in the world and I toss and turn at night going over every little thing that happened and that I could do better. I will keep you in my T&Ps… PPD sucks and I'm glad you're getting help!

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jessica February 26, 2010 at 6:57 am

Blair- You couldn't be more accurate in describing this beautiful picture- you ARE a loving mother. Taking care of yourself and being honest about where you are at, despite the heart ache it brings, is a priceless treasure your little boy will have in a mom. This is not a permanent state of being. Just as your little man is growing and learning, so will you. You are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

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Fiona February 26, 2010 at 6:58 am

I totally think & pray about you guys. I hope your doing well! You have SO much support. Stay strong.
BTW you loook incredible!!!!

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Eliza February 26, 2010 at 6:58 am

Keep on trying Blair! You are so wonderful!

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Ashley February 26, 2010 at 7:04 am

Wow. This photo is like a punch in the stomach. I've been right where you are now. I have albums of photos were I look all put together. Make-up flawless. Hair done. Calm smile. Beautiful child. And the only thing actually true-to-life about the photo is the beautiful child. Inside, I'm trembling, sreaming, & ready and waiting to fall apart any second. My only hope is that one day my child will look at those photos and not be able to see in my face that some days I find it hard to even hold him. I hope he doesn't look at my face and see how his screams make me nauseous. And how sometimes I'm afraid to be alone with him.

Blair, you are so beautiful and brave. Inside and out. I know it feels like PPD robs you of so much, but just remember: it can never take away that beautiful child of yours. Keep your head up!!

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harmskills February 26, 2010 at 7:22 am

beautiful pic. (and great top btw)… having a baby is the hardest thing. it changes your world so much, how can we be expected to just take it in stride???

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JennC February 26, 2010 at 7:29 am

Blair… I am in the same boat – no one had a CLUE. Now I sit here with PPD and also PPA. Blah. Sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone.

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Miranda February 26, 2010 at 7:37 am

I often wonder when I am in public if anyone can tell that it feels like I am screaming inside and that I also feel as though I could fall apart at any second, all the time. Stay strong!

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olivea February 26, 2010 at 7:48 am

It is a beautiful picture, and you ARE a loving mother. So sorry you are going through this, Blair. We are here to support you!

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This Mama Works It! February 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

Hang in there Blair.

I know it is really hard. Becoming a mom changes everything but I think becoming a working mom brings that change to a whole new level. It is hard. And sometimes life gets the best of us. And that is OK. It is Ok to be sad. Ok to be scared. Just as much as it is ok to be happy.

I know you will find the strength to fight through this. I think moms are amazing people and we find the strength no matter how much life tries to beat it out of us.

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Sarah February 26, 2010 at 8:32 am

Blair – take a deep breath. Now let it out. Everything is going to be okay. Remember that nothing is perfect. Nothing. We're all just doing the best that we can, and that's all you can ask for. The fact that your facing PPD head on proves that you're a loving and devoted mother; no one in their right mind would question that. PPD is completely normal. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you or that you're a bad mom. It just means that there's a bump in the road. I think you are handling this beautifully. And it will get better. Try to remember that.

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American Girl February 27, 2010 at 5:24 pm

I was going to write this verbatim, so I'll just second this!

I was depressed in college for 6 months, but it truly made me a better person for dealing with it. It sucked, yes, but I can only imagine it's worse when there's a sweet baby involved, but that just means you're just going to be THAT much better off when you beat this, right?

You are a wonderful mother and that is one lucky little boy and it seems you and Nate are quite blessed.

Thinking of you and rooting for you! XO

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jen February 26, 2010 at 8:36 am

You are getting help. That fact (and so many more) show what a good mom you are and just how much you love your family.

Hang in there…it will get better. <3

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Annie February 26, 2010 at 9:17 am

He is such a cutie pie! A good mom is one who takes the best actions for herself and her family and you are doing that by seeking help. Warm wishes for happy days ahead!

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Sara February 26, 2010 at 9:54 am

Hang in there!

I've struggled with depression most of my life. I know it's hard. It feels like it's never going to end. That you're never going to feel "normal" again. I often found myself feeling angry at people who were able to walk down the street and smile at strangers, thinking I'd never even manage to be that happy again. It's especially difficult to handle when you don't feel like there's anything to be depressed about, and your life is going just the way you want it to! But believe me, it gets better. You WILL feel better. You WILL feel normal again one day soon.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I promise it's not a train!

Hugs,
Sara

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caitlet425 February 26, 2010 at 10:26 am

I've followed you from the tri days, Blair, and I gotta say, your wit, humor, and sheer honesty helps me get through the day sometimes. To find out that you had PPD, made me pray for strength for you, but it also made me feel like I had a buddy. I don't know you or even talk to you, but I feel like I do because of reading your blog & bump posts. You feel like a friend. I have PPD and I find incredible strength when I hear about another woman stepping up to take action, take care of herself, so she can give her baby the best mommy that she can be. It's not only what Harrison deserves…it's what you've ALREADY given him. Stand strong and keep telling your story. You're a good one, Blair, a real good one! :)

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Buckin February 26, 2010 at 10:54 am

aw honey, nothing can change the fact that you are doing the best by LO and your family, therefore, you are a wonderful mother.

The picture is real. It does not lie. And one day you will look back on it and know that how you looked then, is how you feel inside and all will be right with the world.

Hugs, t & p.

~Buckin

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Molly February 26, 2010 at 11:22 am

Honestly, no matter how hard anyone tries, it will never be perfection. It's an impossibility in this world. But I think part of the fun of life are the imperfections. I have a lot of blog posts I can read back on and smile and think, gosh that was such a hard time but this is my life. I'm filling the pages of my book. It's unique and it's all mine. It's messy and miraculous. It's what we're here for. We can't live or love without the struggles. It's part of the divine plan.

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samanthamarie82 February 26, 2010 at 11:39 am

It's not just a cover. You are a wonderful mother. There are just some things that you're dealing with right now. However your struggle doesn't change the fact that you are doing the best you can for you and your family, and in fact it just shows how strong you are for your little boy. And I would guess that most of the families that seem to have it perfect in fact do not. All we can do is try our best to make the most of any situation we are given.

Still wishing you the best.

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Jackieobride February 26, 2010 at 11:49 am

We all believe in you Blair, were all here rooting you on. It is amazing how open and honest you can be with yourself and everyone who subscribes to your blog about what your going through. You have so many people on your side.

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Rebekah February 26, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Beautiful picture. The take away? Hope.

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Mrs. Joe February 26, 2010 at 12:19 pm

You can do this! You've already proven it by taking the hardest first step. Sending thoughts & prayers your way. Beautiful picture! There will come a time when you feel like the outside and the inside match again. I hope that it doesn't take too long for you.

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Jill February 26, 2010 at 12:29 pm

wow. this post made me tear up. you are so brave for sharing this with not just your husband and family but the entire world! you are working on getting better and that shows just how strong you are.

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metta1313 February 26, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I have to say you are dealing with PPD with such grace and class! And I feel honored that you still let us into your world through these dark times. And of course, that picture is the cutest ever!

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t.bird February 26, 2010 at 12:46 pm
egbsmom February 26, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Blair..you look amazing and your son is adorable..I know how you feel..PPD rocked me to my core and turned my world upside down for a year before I admitted I had a problem..Bravo to you for doing something about it..All the best. I hope it gets better for you!

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lauren February 26, 2010 at 1:30 pm

I lurk your blog often and have never commented. As a fresh miscarriage survivor, I sometimes come and read how far you have come from your loss. I find your humor, strength and courage very inspiring. Please dont underestimate how important you are to alot of strangers, your DH and sweet Harrison. I hope you find some peace in your heart and not continue to be so hard on yourself.

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lindsey b February 26, 2010 at 2:07 pm

i'm praying for you, good friend. sometimes mommyhood is really hard, especially when we try to handle it all in our own strength instead of relying on God to get us through the day. i'm here for you any time you want to get together!

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lindsey b February 26, 2010 at 2:08 pm

ps-man, he is just getting more gorgeous! i pity the girls, seriously. heartbreaker :)

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Sara February 26, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Blair…you are an amazing woman, wife, daughter, friend and mother–that is all evident on your blog. So you have PPD. You are dealing with it. How courageous and inspiring. I, too, suffer from depression, as does the mister. We have good days. We have bad days. We have downright shitty, kick you in the ass days. We learn. We move forward. We try not to beat ourselves up. You are doing all the right things. Hang in there and know that there are a lot of people here to give you support.

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Rachel February 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Keep taking it day to day Blair. You're a wonderful and loving mother, don't ever doubt that. I'm thinking of you.

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Lisa February 26, 2010 at 4:24 pm

Letting go of expectations is the hardest part – your own expections of perfection months/years/a lifetime in the making.

Hang in there.

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Lynn February 26, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Blair, I'm praying for you through your struggles. That photo is both a beautiful baby and mom! I had a baby a few weeks after you so I followed your blog & commiserated with you through my whole pregnancy. You have been an inspiration to so many mommies! :)

On another note, everyone please keep this baby girl in your prayers: http://laylagrace.org/. I came across on Facebook today and such a heartbreaking story :*( It made me really appreciate my baby girl that much more and admire the strength & faith of this family.

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Jocelyn February 26, 2010 at 5:33 pm

I can totally identify with your comment. I remember when my lo was 3 weeks old we went to a dinner party at friends of my dh. Everyone gushed over the fact that I was able to be out, that I had her sleeping in a sling, and wearing cloth diapers. Little did they know I was taking medication just so that I could fall asleep at night, and hadn't eaten a full meal in a week.

You never know what people are going through. But one thing my father kept telling me was to 'practice' being the way you want to be, and eventually it will come around. Everytime you have a good day/hour/minute…celebrate it! You will get there. ((hugs))

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Marianne February 26, 2010 at 5:41 pm

I actually just posted on my blog about my battle with depression (not PPD) for the past 14 years (since I was 9). The thing about it is, it's always easy to make things seem perfect on the outside, while your inside is breaking. Unfortunately, I've mastered it. I pray it gets better for you as soon as possible. Depression is such a painful illness, one I, and I'm sure you, too, wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy (or those jackass anonymous posters who loved to taunt you). If you ever need to vent or talk to someone, please don't hesitate.

Prayers for you and your beautiful family. Your son is so insanely gorgeous I can't even stand it.

Marianne
ficklewhitewoman.blogspot.com

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rustysgirl February 26, 2010 at 7:16 pm

Hang in there, Blair.

And P.S…. it says this post could somehow be related to your 18week belly pic. How the hell is that?

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Andrea February 26, 2010 at 9:31 pm

You go girlfriend (in the best shaniqua voice eva')!!!!!

Depression of any kind has so many stigmas attached to it and I give you big props for "coming out of the closet". I'm sure you feel like you're in some sort of scary hell type trap and I hope things improve a little (even if it's a teeny tiny little) each day and that sooner rather than later you're able to see the end at the light of the tunnel.

Please don't feel like you have to put on any kind of "show" for your blog readers. I appreciate your honesty and being that your blog is so well read; it brings light to the scary subject that is depression. It helps other women understand that it IS ok to ask for help and that it DOESN'T have to remain some sort of taboo subjet.

Much love, smoochies and e-hugs I can't wait for your post proclaiming a divine healing.

Andrea

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LawMomma February 27, 2010 at 4:07 am

Hey … there is still nothing imperfect about your picture. So what if you have PPD! You are still a loving mother with a beautiful child. You just can add "smart" to the list for knowing when to get help.

Smoochies!

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Kaitlynsmama February 27, 2010 at 5:56 am

I think it's amazing what your doing! Being the best mama that you be and accepting the PPD! It sounds like you have amazing support around you!

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PPD Survivor February 27, 2010 at 6:35 am

I mean this with no disrespect. I survived PPD. I've been there. Twice. It's miserable and it takes work, but you get through it. That is not to minimize it, because it's miserable and it comes at a time that you expect things to be lovely (I, too, survived 2 miscarriages, as well as a stillbirth at 31 weeks.) I have BEEN THERE.

But…you are not helping yourself here. You are "performing" every time you write about. Dramatizing. Recounting. Be a wife and a mother and focus on your family. Don't put yourself out there for people who have called you a crappy mom or a drama queen.

You struggled at home and couldn't wait to get back to work. I get that. Lesson learned. But then going back to work was hard (understandable), and you complained that you weren't at home with him.

You have the ability to make your life whatever it is that you want. If you wanted to be a SAHM, you'd make it work. I know many parents that sacrifice material things and some freedom in order to be at home with their kids. You don't wanna SAHM? Then shut down the part of your dialogue that harps on it and move on. Don't wallow in something you don't even want.

The best thing you can do when you're feeling overwhelmed is to make a plan. How much time do you devote to the internet? Let's say it's an hour (it's obviously more, between the blog and the Nest). Instead of posting, while you're at work, make your grocery list. Make some to-do lists to stay organized. Actually do work, so you're less stressed about your job. When you're home, spend every second with your baby. You can only be with him a fraction of his waking hours and if that's your choice then OWN IT. Don't complain that you are failing, make the best out of what you've got. Baby's asleep? Read a book, make some meals and freeze them so you don't have to worry about dinner, organize that one spot in your house that always makes you feel frustrated.

Again, I've been there. I cut out Facebook and a message board I was on, as well as stopped going to a PPD support group/mom's club that I helped organize. That might sound counterproductive, but the key was finding REAL interactions. You wanna get your thoughts out? KEEP A JOURNAL! Blogging is for the reader. Writing is for the writer.

There's a time to be dramatic and an open book. There's a time to entertain and dwell on what isn't. When you have PPD and a baby that requires peace and harmony in order to develop his best self? That is not the time.

You blinked and your first born was a few months old. Soon he'll be crawling, then walking and talking. Next thing you know he'll be off at school. Please pay attention to how your energy is spent and the impact it's having on your attitude and environment. A few dozen Internet groupies don't mean anything- you are a mother now and need to create an environment that is best for your son.

Again, I've been there. Take all the support you can get, take all the drugs they suggest, and take as much time as you can to nurture and pamper yourself. And make your priority what you KNOW rather than what strangers on the Internet THINK.

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Lori February 27, 2010 at 9:32 am

This picture is amazing. Your blog is awesome and you are a wonderful person and mom, anyone can tell by reading it! I am a new mom too and wonder sometimes if I am doing the right things.

I saw this and it reminded me of something it seems that you might like: http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/inspired-designs….

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Lori February 27, 2010 at 9:33 am
Alex February 28, 2010 at 8:53 am

Hi Blair,

I've been following your blog since I was about 10 weeks pregnant – I now have a 6 week old. Your humorous and positive attitude about your pregnancy & motherhood helped me through many a day. I had a tough pregnancy and now have a very colicky baby. And can fully relate to how very very hard it is to be a new Mommy. Add in PPD and I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be to get through the day. (I suffered depression as a teenager and was on anti-depressants for a few years – so can also relate to the effects of a "chemical imbalance").

You are so courageous to recognize this tough time might be more than just baby blues, and to be seeking help. It can only get better from here. Harrison is a very lucky boy to have such a loving, funny & kind Mom.

Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping you start to feel better soon. Harrison is absolutely darling.

Love
A

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Lauren From Texas March 1, 2010 at 10:39 am

You are gorgeous & Harrison is perfection. And the fact that you're admitting you need help and actively seeking it? Makes you a freaking superhero in my book. Mad love & respect, woman. <3

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exgf2009 March 1, 2010 at 10:39 am

such a beautiful picture!!!!!

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Morgan @ The818 March 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm

I love this picture.

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