Would I be out of line if I said, "I miss you?"

by heirtoblair on November 22, 2009

It has been one year.

and even when I’m holding Harrison, I still ache for the baby I will never know. I am so thankful for Harrison. So proud of him, so thankful for his health, so in love with his blonde hair that some days, I think I will explode.
But even a year later with a healthy baby, it doesn’t make the miscarriage okay. It doesn’t make me not miss Harpie. It doesn’t take away the sting or how losing a baby changed me as a woman & a person forever. Maybe that makes me a little crazy. A little emo. Or maybe it makes me completely normal & the most sane, to love any life that much.

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous November 22, 2009 at 8:47 am

It makes you completely normal! I haven't suffered a loss and I thank my stars because if I had I don't know how I would survive. You are a brave woman.

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abbi November 22, 2009 at 10:21 am

It makes you human…and that is definitely okay.

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Secret Sloper November 22, 2009 at 10:42 am

I'm thinking of you today, as I try to get through my own loss. You can be happy for your blessings and sad for your losses at once. I'm so glad you have Harrison now and perhaps the peace of knowing Harpie had an important role to play in your life, despite the brevity of his or her own.

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The Chandlers November 22, 2009 at 11:19 am

Major e-hugs for you B! <3

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jCam November 22, 2009 at 11:34 am

I'm thinking it makes you completely normal and sane. You have every right to miss Harpie with all of your being.::hugs::

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Fidgeting Gidget November 22, 2009 at 12:59 pm

You're normal and sane or I'm just as abnormal and insane. I had a loss myself a couple weeks ago, and even though I was only six weeks along, it still hurts so badly, and I can't believe how much I think about it. I hope I will soon be as blessed as you to have a healthy pregnancy next time! Only time will tell! Hugs to you today!

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The Aaron Family November 22, 2009 at 1:45 pm

This same day came for me in June. If this isn't bittersweet enough, it came one week before my son was born. I felt guilty, numb, jealous, bitter, and overjoyed all at the same time.You're human. You're a woman. And there is nothing in this world, save the moment you finally get to hold little Harpie, that can take that heart ache away.Snuggle your little stinky face. =) And I'll go snuggle mine now…

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seniah November 22, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Totally normal Blair. I had my one year for my first loss (my twins) right around when I got the positive test for this baby. My one year for my second loss is right around the corner. I keep thinking about him and what he would have been like and how big he would be right now all the while I am eagerly preparing for this baby's February arrival.Its ok to miss your baby. I miss mine so much – and have been afraid to admit it out loud for fear I will seem ungrateful for the pregnancy that is succeeding thus far. But we know that isn't the case. We just miss our babies.

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Leslie November 22, 2009 at 2:33 pm

I've never experienced a miscarriage, but I have never thought that having a living, healthy baby ever makes losing another baby okay. It's okay to grieve over it, even for the rest of your life.*hugs*

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Shaina N November 22, 2009 at 2:39 pm

I completely understand. It's my one year anniversary of finding out that we miscarried tomorrow. I had mothers intuition before that (I knew that we were miscarrying, I had a "missed miscarriage")but tomorrow marks the ultrasound date. I understand what you feel like, I know what you mean… it sucks, and holding my daughter in my arms help, but doesn't make it go away.

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Art & Becky November 22, 2009 at 2:54 pm

I hope one year from today I can experience those emotions. I miscarried on Thursday. I am hoping in one year to be holding a baby. I think your emotions are normal!

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Racheous November 22, 2009 at 5:27 pm

I miss my Oliver too (missed m/c – found out at 14.5 weeks), even though I will be giving birth to Cameron soon. But I know that Cameron wouldn't exist without the loss of Ollie & that we wouldn't be the parents we are today and for that I'll always be thankful for. There is no cure for pregnancy loss *hugs* but a lot to learn.

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JvW November 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm

I'm sorry for your loss, even a year and a baby later. I recently m/c and I don't think the pain will ever completely go away. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings & I hope you had a good day snuggling HJ.

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Rachel H. November 23, 2009 at 10:39 am

Even though you now have a healthy beautiful baby boy, I think you'll always ache for the one that you wish you had known. And wonder what he / she would've been like. That's okay…always know how lucky you are to have a wonderful healthy baby and continue to remember the one you lost each year.

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KarmaPearl November 23, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Doesn't make you crazy at all, Blair. December 22nd will be the 2 year anniversary of losing my green bean, and I still think about that baby all the time despite the fact that I have his/her sister kicking me in the ribs right this very second.You never forget, nor stop missing those babies you lost. <3

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Danemama08 November 23, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Completely 100% normal! You cant help but to wonder what if. And to quote numerous people that have told you the same thing, it makes you human! You cant help but to want to hold what could have been. Im one of the lucky ones that hasn't experienced a miscarriage, but I grieve for my friends and net-friends that have.Im so gonna be thinking of you and little Harpie and the adorable Harrison all day!

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pinkflipflops November 23, 2009 at 6:32 pm

((((((()))))))

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Bree (Married2MyBFF November 23, 2009 at 7:18 pm

It's so not out of line to miss Harpie. On 1/3/09 it was a year since I lost Little Bean and I was 9 weeks pregnant with Evan, but it didn't make it any better. Sure, we're bursting with happiness that we have our healthy little boys now, but they aren't replacements for the ones we lost and to realize that is to show that you love Harpie (and I love Little Bean) as an individual. It's totally normal to be sad and I understand exactly what you're feeling. Hugs!

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Morgan November 23, 2009 at 9:33 pm

It makes you human to miss Harpie.btw, lots of girls are saying they can't see your blog anymore. it says :o peration aborted: I don't know what's going on but thought you should know!

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Susan November 24, 2009 at 12:32 am

A child is a child, and no matter how many we have, we never forget the ones we've lost…It is normal, and healthy

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Chatham November 24, 2009 at 2:18 am

I still grit my teeth and blink back the tears. I don't think I need to tell you that you are totally normal. The abnormal thing is that we all feel the need to hide these feelings and not talk about this "taboo" of a topic. Muah.

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Kathy November 24, 2009 at 11:30 am

I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost a little boy 9 years ago, and I still think about him and miss him everyday!

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Anonymous November 25, 2009 at 2:01 am

Totally understandable. Sending hugs your way.btw, I love that song!

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Kristy February 27, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Me Too… lost a baby girl Megan at 17 weeks ,almost one year later, this past October had a beautiful baby girl who is my world, but I think M all the time. Thank you for your post!

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