Okay, BA!

So. Hi!

by Beth Anne on May 3, 2013

I am notorious for my intolerance to anesthesia.

Like that time I told the nurse to get me some g-damn apple juice after my septoplasty.

Or when I screamed at the nurse that I hated her & she could go fuck herself after my breast reduction.

Or when I sobbed uncontrollably for hours after my ablation for no apparent reason.

It was a little embarrassing when I asked the prep nurse if she was going to be my recovery nurse & that I was really, really sorry in advance for anything I said because she seemed like a very nice lady.

Me: “I get a little…mean.”
Doug: “She means combative.”
I shoot him a dirty look.
Me: “I don’t punch people.”
Doug: “She’s verbally abusive.”
Me: “I prefer mean.”
Doug: “Hateful. Malicious.”
Nurse: “Ummm…alright, then.”

She put three yellow sticky notes all over my chart warning nurses not to get too close or take anything too personally.

The good news is that for the first time, I woke up slowly with horrible pain & good pain meds & a nurse that somehow knew the best way to calm me was to sit & pet my hair. So she did for two solid hours until she whispered that if she gave me another dose of meds, I’d have to stay the night & it was a full moon which meant no open beds & wouldn’t it be better to be home than in a group recovery room? Oh, yes. I spent the next two hours in Recovery 2, wrapped in warm towels to stop the post-anesthesia shakes & trying not to send back every pain med I’d ingested.

The left are my wedding rings on Doug’s pinky. I forgot that I’d have to take them off. On the right…well. You’re welcome for that picture, Internet.

The recovery process has been slow & that’s mostly my fault because while lounging on the couch under the influence of strong pain meds sounds fun, it’s really not my bag of chips. Which meant that I started back at work on Monday morning from home, then tried to go into the office on Tuesday. Bad choice. But today is a great turning point - I’m still sore, still really bruised, but walking less like a 95-year-old man & more like a person that is just sore & bruised. I’ve been working my full hours from home since I’m mentally 100% there, just physically unable to hobble into the office. Not to mention that I still can’t wear real pants.

On Tuesday, the doctor called to tell me that the pathology report came back clean & benign.

As expected, but awesome to hear.

Which means ol’ Damien is just a thing of the past, this recovery is a blip in the radar, & I will be fully recovered here in no time.

Happy Friday, friends!

{ 19 comments }

Damien the Cyst, you officially suck

by Beth Anne on April 29, 2013

Who has two thumbs & two ovaries? THIS GIRL.

Figured I should get that out of the way first – that my doctor managed to save my ovary & while it came at a price (doesn’t everything?), I am so thankful for it. Right before they took me to the operating room, my doctor came in & marked my side & put her hand on my forehead & I begged her to not take both of my ovaries. I had an irrational fear that she’d get in there & find things on the left side & leave me with nothing & she smiled & said that she didn’t care what she found, she wouldn’t do that to me.

Surgery went a little longer than planned – it was a tumor, not a cyst. It was bigger than anticipated & it wouldn’t budge through the laparscopic cuts. In the end, she made a larger incision on the right but accidentally sliced a blood vessel in the process. But she still made the right call & did exactly what I asked her to do – save the ovary.

Want to see it? Click here. It’s pictures of my innards, so don’t look if you’re eating or need smelling salts on the regular. If you don’t want to look, the run-down is that Damien was the size of my uterus.

While we are waiting for the official report from pathology, they are 98% sure it is benign. So I am honestly not concerned. I even hate to call it “tumor” because that sounds so DUN-DUN-DUN when really, this should be the end of the road for it.

The truth is that I completely underestimated this surgery. Between the stitched internal blood vessel & the larger incision, recovery has been a little slower than I hoped. I’m not doing well with the pain meds & have spent quite a bit of time seeing them come back up, which means a) my bullied abs are really taking a beating & b) I’ve stopped taking pain meds. I really thought I’d be up & moving per usual today & here I am on the couch, logging into VPN for work & trying to ignore the burning, stabbing pain near my right hip.

The boys have been amazing – Doug missed his calling in life to be a nurse & Harrison is working very hard at being gentle with me. He’s frustrated that I can’t wrestle or move fast & that he can’t lay on me while I rest, but he’s also fascinated with looking at the bandages on my belly. Our friends have been incredible (Kathleen! Tonya! Suzanne!) at bringing us yummy food – recovery is easier with homemade chicken pot pie & Whole Foods cake pops!

Thanks for all of your prayers & well-wishes through this stupid mess. I’m so glad it’s over. I hope you all had a great weekend – it’s raining here but I’m enjoying the quiet.

{ 32 comments }

If all else fails…

by Beth Anne on April 22, 2013

..I have an incredible future in pizza making.

I know, it’s like HOW CAN I BE THAT TALENTED AT EVERYTHING?!

We had a pretty rough weekend of sickness for the wee man, but he’s just peachy-keen today so we’re gearing up for the exorcism of Damien coming on Thursday. I’m working longer hours to get in time & work ahead so if I’m a little absent around here this week, it’s because I’m getting all my quacking ducks lined up.

In amazing news, this week Harrison started randomly telling me that he loved me & it’s just the best thing ever.

Harry: “I love you, Mommy.”
me: “I love you, too!”
Harry: “Thank you!”

He also walked up to me yesterday, threw his arms around my legs & said, “You know what? I like you so much.”

Three & a half will eat your brains out but it is also the most magical age to date.

{ 9 comments }

This here truck is real nice.

by Beth Anne on April 18, 2013

On Tuesday we went out to eat at Moe’s because

kids eat free on Tuesday
Doug had a case of the hangries for a burrito
Damien the cyst is causing anything other than yoga pants to be uncomfortable so it’s like, Moe’s or McDonald’s or I have to cook.
yummy.

Doug swung into a space beside a big white pick up truck with company stickers plastered all over. You know, the kind where if you stop behind him at a traffic light, you’ll remember the logo & telephone number the rest of your life.

Like 1-800-588-2300-EMPIRE. I did not even have to Google that so well played, viral marketing jingle.

Harry steps out of our car & his eyes are like saucers because, WHOA THAT IS THE BEST TRUCK EVER. Then he looks over & says, “Momma, can you take a picture of me with this truck?”

At first I was like, “this is so weird” in my head but I happily obliged & darn you, it’s one of my favorite memories of my kid so far. He even asked to see it after I took it & gave a little smile of satisfaction like “self, that is a damn good picture.”

That’s called a framer, Hibbers.

{ 18 comments }

Monday is for babies, bronies, & blogs

by Beth Anne on April 15, 2013

First, let us play a round of taps for Google Reader, which was my favorite way to peruse blogs. I can still get to mine through the “app” I created on my phone & iPad, but that’s it. BlogLovin is starting to grow on me – it’s a great way to stay organized & explore new blogs. My only complaint is that it operates under a partial feed & I’m a full-feed reader. Then again, clicking over to the blogs I read is just a little “thank you” that I don’t mind giving & the partial feed forces me to do that. You can follow this here ol’ blog by clicking this link: Follow my blog with Bloglovin

It still says “Heir to Blair” but it’s me & my current stuff.

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THANK YOU for all of your sweet comments about Damien the mother effing cyst. I read every single one & while I haven’t had the chance to reply to all of them, sharing your stories & encouragement & pissed-off-ness really helped me last week. Doug even read them on his own & they helped him, too. That’s the best thing about this little space on the internet, the chance to tell stories & make the world a little easier to handle. Right now I’m in the place where I just want the damn thing out of me. It’s all kinds of uncomfortable & now I’m more worried about rupturing the thing – I had one burst in early 2008 before I started blogging & ZERO FUN. Me, crawling on the floor & sobbing at 3am & a distended belly for a few weeks. That was also on the right side, so now my right ovary gets the official side-eye & maybe it’s best if it comes out. I’m worried about cutting my egg count in half & fertility stuff, but I’ve talked to several friends that have gotten pregnant easily & successfully with only one ovary. So, you know. Babies in the future!

A slight bummer in that I might be out for the sprint triathlon in mid-May. I keep reminding myself that there will be others & all my work is not for loss even if I don’t get to race. I’m not sure what the standard wait time between laparascopic surgery & intense athletic competition is, but I’m doubting it is a mere three weeks. Especially since I’ve had to back off training significantly in hopes to not rupture the damn thing before they can yank it out.

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Last week I pulled up in our driveway to see a rather distinct box sitting on our front step – a Build A Bear box. I figured it might be from a neighbor, seeing how we have some really great ones & they’re still in “welcoming committee” mode for our little family. As Doug pulled in behind me with Harry in tow, I picked up the box & noticed a shipping label from New York & rainbow hair sticking out of the windows in the box.

After reading about his love of My Little Pony, my editors at Babble sent Harry the brand-new Rainbow Dash Build A Bear.

He opened the box one tab at a time & then just stared in with the biggest smile on his face. “This is Rainbow Dash?” he asked in awe. Then he pulled the pony out & hugged him close. He’s slept with Rainbow Dash every night since. THANK YOU, Lindsey & Andrea & Jasmine & the rest of the Babble team!